Somewhere in America, 2030:
(*knock-knock-knock-knock*)
Man: “Who is it?”
Federal Diversity Cop: “It’s Detective Ira Weinstein-Silverberg of the Federal Anti-Fascist Squad, Houston Branch. Open the door.”
Man: (*Opens door*) “Uhhh, okay, what do you want?”
Federal Diversity Cop: “We’re here to talk to you about your company, Ten Very Normal White Guys Landscaping.”
Man: “Okay. What about it?”
Federal Diversity Cop: “Our records show that you employ 3 gay people, 2 transgendered people, zero bisexual/questioning people, and zero PNHSRDAs — people who have normal, healthy sexual relationships with domesticated animals.”
Man: “Yes. So what?”
Federal Diversity Cop: “Well, according to our records, you must, by law, employ 46 gay people, 27 transgendered people, 15 bisexual/questioning people, and 8 PNHSRDAs.”
Man: “Well, when it comes to hiring, we do the best we can. The landscaping business doesn’t attract many alternative-lifestyle people and…”
Federal Diversity Cop: “Wait a second: what did you just say?? Was that a homophobic/transphobic remark?? I think it was!”
Man: “What?? No, no, I just meant that most landscapers are…”
Federal Diversity Cop: “Oh, I know what you meant! You meant that gay, transgender and PNHSRDA people don’t fit into your narrow, blonde, blue-eyed, Nazi-like view of what a landscaper should be!”
Man: “No, wait, that’s not true, I just meant that…”
Federal Diversity Cop: “Let me tell you something, Hitler-boy. I’m gay, my father is gay, my mother is gay, my cousin is gay, and my cats Fluffy and Fifi are both gay, although I’m beginning to suspect that Fluffy is actually transgender/non-binary/intersex. Anyhoo, here’s the bottom line: America was built by proud, gay Americans, Hitler-boy!”
Man: “Well, uhhh, okay, I’m sure it was, but…”
Federal Diversity Cop: “That’s it! I’ve had enough jazz from you! You’re under arrest, Hitler-boy!”
Man: “For what???”
Federal Diversity Cop: “For violating Sections 1 thru 17 of the 2027 Matthew Shepard Federal Anti-Fascist, Anti-Bigot, Diversity, Inclusion, Anti-Bias and Tolerance Act! You’re looking at 20 years in a federal pen, Hitler-boy! Those are Class 5 felonies. Maybe next time, you’ll be a little more inclusive and tolerant, Hitler-boy!”
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