Vanguard News Network

“Okay, pickle-nose, you’ve been missing for 2 weeks! Do you really want me to believe that you’ve spent the last 14 days at a Marx Brothers film festival in Krakow?? Are you going to stick with that lie, or try another one??”

I changed my gender. It only took a few minutes, and it was very liberating. But here’s the problem: there are now 112 different genders, and I don’t remember which gender I changed to!! Bigender? Girlboy? Boygirl? Girly-man? Genderfluid? Egogender? Nanogender? Pangender? Polyboy? It’s so confusing! Hamsterboy? Hamstergirl? Christ! I should have written it down…darn […]

Some types of people were left off of the last (too short) list of human blights. Let us fix that: Human Blights: Jews Black people Brown people vegetarians queers trannies midgets fat people people who constantly whistle people who practice yoga people who eat sushi people who eat tofu people who believe in global warming […]

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a Covid mask in a pear tree. On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 2 stolen ballots and a Covid mask in a pear tree. On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 3 […]

“Okay, sneaky Jew. It’s obvious that you don’t want to account for your whereabouts over the past 7 days. And now, you tell me this amazing story. Do you really expect me to believe that you spent an entire week at a Karl Marx look-alike contest in Krakow?? Are you going to stick with that […]

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A TV commercial, featuring a female voice-over and images of sad, White women: *(slow, melancholic piano music begins)* “Hi. This is Ruth Goldberg Weinberg Silverstein of The National Center for Rape Diversity. Today, millions of White women are raped by White men. It’s not fair. It’s the travesty of our time. But it doesn’t have […]

German officer: “Okay, my patience is wearing thin, Jew. Do you really expect me to believe that you’ve spent the last 4 days at a hemorrhoid-treatment convention in Krakow?? I mean, I know that you Jews are obsessed with everything anal, but that’s ridiculous!”

Mafia funnies: the upside of the mob giving you “cement shoes”: — they’re free — one-size-fits-all — “concrete gray” is a neutral color, so the shoes will go with any outfit — you’ll only have to wear them once — no shoelaces to fumble with — they’re very durable; in fact, they’ll outlive you — […]

German officer: “So, then, you weren’t at the big communist gathering in Lodz, eh?? You really want me to believe that you’ve spent 3 days at a liverwurst-appreciation festival in Krakow?? Are you going to stick with that story, or will you invent another one?”