Adolf Hitler: The Original Fonzie

March 31, 2003

Looking for The Diary of Anne Frank at the local Borders, way back in '96, I bumped into a big promotional stand for a new fancy-schmancy edition of Mein Kampf. I was so embarrassed when I turned the corner of the "Holocaust" aisle, not watching where I was going, a Kleenex at each eye, and walked smack into a life-size cardboard cutout of a smiling Adolf Hitler poised for battle holding a lightsaber. I almost knocked it over! I'm such a klutz! But his smile was so friendly I was completely disarmed. Emotionally Saddamed, if you will. (Where'd they get that photo of him anyway? It was the first time I'd ever seen him smile. Those wily ad men! They can make anyone look good.)

Ordinarily, I'd never even think of buying a copy of Mein Kampf just to spite its endless promotion on TV and radio. It's gotten ridiculous, hasn't it? Day and night, day and night. It's like the ads for the Girls Gone Wild videos, only with less drunken whores and more swastikas.

Plus, it's like 700 pages. Who has the time?

But the smile caught me off guard, I guess. My defenses down, the next thing I know I'm curious and I'm reading the promotional flyer at the front of the table featuring stacks of Mein Kampf (with "My Struggle" in parentheses - damn public schools).

Written in a wild font, like it was an ad for an extreme sports competition or new rap album, the flyer said, "Wanna get wild? Wanna live on the edge? Forget tats and tongue rings, cheap heroin and bad haircuts -- fake rebellion is for wannabe poseurs! Get a taste of real rebellion. Go straight to the source of the most demonized, decidedly uncool, never fashionable wild man in history. The original Fonzie: Adolf Hitler!"

(Next to the elaborate Hitler display there was a tie-in promotion for a new Happy Days DVD. Maybe it's just me, but I thought that was a little tacky.)

But "The original Fonzie?" Ayyyyyyy.

I never thought of it that way before. I mean sure, der Fuehrer didn't wear jeans and a biker jacket; he rarely jumped cars with his motorcycle outside of Al's burger joint; and evidence is scarce that he ever took a dare to water ski over a shark. But he did kick an unusual amount of Heeb tuchis. That oughta count for something.

The bottom of the flyer read: "Was he really such a sassy, flip-the-bird-to-authority, turd-in-the-punchbowl, do-my-own-thing, I-just-gotta-be-me kinda guy? Six million Jews can't be wrong!"

SHAZAMM!, I thought... THAT'S TRUE! And that's at least twice as cool as anything Vin Diesel does in XXX.

I was sold. I decided to buy a copy of Mein Kampf. Didn't have enough cash for both books though, so Anne was put back in the attic for a while.

Victor Wolzek

PS - Who knew Lucas snagged the idea of lightsabers from the Nazis? (Damn public schools.) 

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