Queen of the Damned

by Mark Rivers

Dead singer Ahayhaialhaihagya will not be missed by moviegoers like me, for a couple of reasons: a) she was just a negro, and b) she was the selling point for a dreadfully unwatchable movie. Executive producer Bruce Berman (is that name starting to sound familiar?) must have blown 9/10 of his budget on securing the movie rights to Anne Rice's novel, leaving little for writers or actors, because Jew-owned Warner Brothers pictures just gave the world a very long and boring "Tool" video.

In "Queen of the Damned," the vampire Lestat becomes a rock star by slinking around in black clothing and looking up at people in a scary "vampire" manner. His music becomes an instant smash with the Goth freaks of the world, and we are subjected to stretch after stretch of techno-garbled-drum-machine-experimentation by various Nine Inch Nails tribute bands in a string of montages, each of which seem to last longer than the movie itself. The music ranges from mildly annnoying to intolerably deafening, and takes up WAY too much of the soundtrack.

Perhaps because he's bored, or just to be a pain in the neck, Lestat's lyrics give away crucial vampire secrets, so the rest of the vampires set out to kill him. Meanwhile, Akasha, the Queen of the Damned, is brought back from her statuesque hibernation -- drawn back into the world by the lure of Lestat's hypnotic music. She shows up, kills a few vampires, then convinces Lestat to join her in her new reign of darkness upon the Earth.

A vampire rebel squad consolidates its power to defeat Akasha and send her packing, as she dissolves into a screaming whirlwind of dust. If you listen closely during that scene, you can just hear Christopher Lambert muttering, "There can be only one" as the CGI works its li'l miracle. Oh, and a young woman, who is part of a vampire-watching conglomerate, falls in love with Lestat and decides to live with him as a vampire. The end.

There were a few negroes here and there, including the "sexy" negress Ahyelyalliyaliya, but mostly it was just a pitiful, tedious gut-wrenchingly awful film. Avoid "Queen of the Damned" at all costs.

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