The Glass House
by Mark Rivers
There may be Jews associated with the production of The Glass House. Frankly, I'd
be stunned to find any movie without at least a few of them behind the scenes. The director
is Daniel SACKHEIM, and one of the producers is Neal MORITZ, so there are a couple of PJs,
anyway. SACKHEIM has spent most of his career making TV shows, and the writer (Wesley
Strick) and producers (MORITZ, Michael I. Rachmil and Heather Zeegen) have been making crap
movies like Urban Legends and I Still Know What you Did Last Summer.
The Glass House stars teen hottie Leelee Sobieski as Ruby Baker, a typical California
16-year-old; she spends her evenings raising hell with her gal-pal clique, which, of course,
includes a negress. "Hey teen girls! Be like the popular kids! Hang around with as many
negroes as you can!" Ruby and her friends do "bad things" like smoke cigarettes and cruise
down the boulevard yelling "Whoooo!"
When her parents are killed in a car accident, Ruby and her 11-year-old brother move in with
anal yuppies Terry and Erin Glass (Stellan Skarsgard and Diane Lane), who used to be their
next-door neighbors. The Glasses now live in a fancy Malibu mansion with...lots of big,
glass windows. Their name is Glass...get it? Ahem.
Terry owns a car dealership, and is deeply in debt to a couple of loan sharks. Erin is a
doctor, addicted to the pain killers she has been swiping from the pain center where she
works. Their plan is to kill the kids and take their four-million-dollar trust fund, with
the help of their crooked lawyer, Begleiter (Bruce Dern).
Little brother is bought off with computer games, so he spends the movie in a video
game-induced trance. Ruby figures out what's going on, though, and spends the next 45
minutes trying to run away -- soaking wet, wearing pajama bottoms, a thin shirt and no
bra.
Eventually, Erin the junkie overdoses and dies, so Terry decides to take care of the kids
once and for all. He locks the kids in the basement, then tampers with his Jaguar's
brakes. That way, when the kids escape in it, their death will look like an accident JUST
LIKE WHEN HE MURDERED THEIR PARENTS, BOM-BA-BOMMMM!
What Terry doesn't know, however, is that Ruby had called the loan sharks and told them
Terry was going to skip town. The loan sharks show up, tie Terry up and throw him into the
Jaguar. On the road, the Jaguar smashes into the loan sharks' Testarossa, which smashes
into a semi, killing one loan shark. The Jaguar flies off a cliff, killing the other loan
shark. But what's this? Terry survives, gets himself untied, slugs a nearby cop, grabs a
nearby gun, and comes after the kids! Look out, kids!
Ruby runs over Terry with a police car. The kids are saved. Likewise, the audience is
saved from having to hear Terry try to conceal his thick Swedish accent.
The kids move in with an uncle who had conveniently shown up at the funeral to say, "Hey
kids, I'm here so the audience will know you have a place to go after you kill your evil
guardians." The end.
Other than the negress friend and the obligatory poor but honest Mestizo maid, minorities
are not featured much in The Glass House. There is an Asian teacher at Ruby's new school,
Mr. Kim (Michael Paul CHAN, who gets plenty of work when Clyde Kusatsu is not returning
calls). Mr. Kim gets Ruby in hot water when her school paper (actually written by Terry)
was plagiarized from a book by Hamlet expert Harold BLOOM.
But -- there are no persecuted fags, no muscle-bound negro supercops, no sage and powerful
negress role model principals, no fat 'n' greasy Southern sheriffs, no slimy White
televangelists, and no Arab terrorists.
Therefore, your reason for not seeing this movie is just because it's a bad movie. Simple,
eh?
Join the National Alliance.
www.natall.com
www.natvan.com
MARK RIVERS
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