Jurassic Park III
by Mark Rivers
Jurassic Park III takes place on an island off
Costa Rica. It is the setting of a second aborted
attempt at a dino-theme park, long since deserted.
Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill, who is married to a Jap) is
commissioned by Paul Kirby (William H. Macy) and his
wife Amanda (Tea Leoni, who is married to Jew David
DUCHOVNY) to find their young son, who crash landed on
the island while para-sailing. The rescue team also
crash lands, dodges dinosaurs for 90 minutes, and
screams a lot. They are rescued at the end by the
That's it; that's the whole movie. Go ahead and see
it if you must, but don't forget, you'll be putting
money into SPIELBERG'S pocket.
There were two jokes in the movie that made the rabble
laugh out loud (most of the audience was made up of
soccer moms with four or five toddlers and pre-teens
1) Dr. Grant finds the boy, who resourcefully
collected a sample of T-Rex urine to use as a
deterrent to the raptors. "Where did you get this?"
asks the doctor.
"You don't wanna know," replies the boy.
2) When the negro is eaten by a dinosaur, he is
carrying a very durable satellite phone. Whenever it
rings, they know the dinosaur is approaching (kind of
like Captain Hook's alligator). Finally, the dinosaur
passes the phone out through the other end, and the
team has to dig through the giant pile of dino-poo to
Two jokes, and they're about going to the bathroom.
Maybe "Chochmoh" means "poop."
In response to my review of Final Fantasy: The
Spirits Within, a VNN reader asked me if I was the
guy sitting in front of them at the theatre in
California, because the conversation I heard was close
to the one they had following that movie.
Well, I didn't see Final Fantasy: The Spirits
Within in California. I have a feeling, though, that
people everywhere were saying the same sorts of things
about that movie. Similarly, audiences from coast to
coast are probably saying the same sorts of things
about Jurassic Park III. Here are some sample
critiques from the Joe and Jill Sixpacks in my neck of
"The effects were good, but I didn't really care about
"Yeah...were we supposed to remember what happened in
the second one? It's been so long since I saw it."
"I thought there was going to be a huge finale, with a
big T-rex coming in and eating the raptors or
"Yeah, I was sure they were gonna have another
face-off with those pterodactyls."
"That movie SUCKED!"
Did any of those lines sound familiar?
Jurassic Park III has only one negro (who is eaten
early in the film), and makes no reference to racial
issues (none that I could see, and I was REALLY
looking). However, it was executive-produced by
Steven SPIELBERG, who, like his tribal brothers, has a
specific and harmful agenda.
Don't bother seeing Jurassic Park III. It just
isn't a very good movie. Instead, get a book about
dinosaurs from the library, and read it with your
kids. It'll be more fun, less expensive, and in the
end, better for them.
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