Jurassic Park III

by Mark Rivers

Jurassic Park III takes place on an island off Costa Rica. It is the setting of a second aborted attempt at a dino-theme park, long since deserted.

Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill, who is married to a Jap) is commissioned by Paul Kirby (William H. Macy) and his wife Amanda (Tea Leoni, who is married to Jew David DUCHOVNY) to find their young son, who crash landed on the island while para-sailing. The rescue team also crash lands, dodges dinosaurs for 90 minutes, and screams a lot. They are rescued at the end by the military.

That's it; that's the whole movie. Go ahead and see it if you must, but don't forget, you'll be putting money into SPIELBERG'S pocket.

There were two jokes in the movie that made the rabble laugh out loud (most of the audience was made up of soccer moms with four or five toddlers and pre-teens in tow):

1) Dr. Grant finds the boy, who resourcefully collected a sample of T-Rex urine to use as a deterrent to the raptors. "Where did you get this?" asks the doctor.

"You don't wanna know," replies the boy.

2) When the negro is eaten by a dinosaur, he is carrying a very durable satellite phone. Whenever it rings, they know the dinosaur is approaching (kind of like Captain Hook's alligator). Finally, the dinosaur passes the phone out through the other end, and the team has to dig through the giant pile of dino-poo to find it.

Two jokes, and they're about going to the bathroom. Maybe "Chochmoh" means "poop."

In response to my review of Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, a VNN reader asked me if I was the guy sitting in front of them at the theatre in California, because the conversation I heard was close to the one they had following that movie.

Well, I didn't see Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within in California. I have a feeling, though, that people everywhere were saying the same sorts of things about that movie. Similarly, audiences from coast to coast are probably saying the same sorts of things about Jurassic Park III. Here are some sample critiques from the Joe and Jill Sixpacks in my neck of the woods:

"The effects were good, but I didn't really care about the characters."

"Yeah...were we supposed to remember what happened in the second one? It's been so long since I saw it."

"I thought there was going to be a huge finale, with a big T-rex coming in and eating the raptors or something."

"Yeah, I was sure they were gonna have another face-off with those pterodactyls."

"That movie SUCKED!"

Did any of those lines sound familiar?

Jurassic Park III has only one negro (who is eaten early in the film), and makes no reference to racial issues (none that I could see, and I was REALLY looking). However, it was executive-produced by Steven SPIELBERG, who, like his tribal brothers, has a specific and harmful agenda.

Don't bother seeing Jurassic Park III. It just isn't a very good movie. Instead, get a book about dinosaurs from the library, and read it with your kids. It'll be more fun, less expensive, and in the end, better for them.

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