When Men Were Men
The Thirteenth Warrior
by Angry White Female
I was asked to review this movie, so here goes, albeit a couple years after
I highly recommend this movie to all Eurofolk, provided they understand that it is a
"cross-dressed," Hollywood version of ancient White history. It combines the deeds of the
Rus Vikings from the epic poem Beowulf with the writings of a 10th-century Muslim
poet named Ibn Fadlun. The 13th Warrior is based on the novel Eaters of the
Dead by Michael Crichton, in which the added flavor of cannibalism is injected into
White history. Though the story is compelling, it injects Ibn Fadlun, played by Antonio
Banderas, into the role of the 13th Warrior of Beowulf. (Actually, there were 15
warriors in Beowulf, and Ibn was not one of them.) In real life, Ibn wrote about
the Rus and disappeared from history soon after he and the warrior party set off.
Typical 20th-century Hollywood revisionism, in other words. The historical changes made by
the producers are subtle enough there's the danger that lemmings might take them for real
since they don't read European classics anymore. Nevertheless, it is a movie that does
capture the brave, fighting spirit of the Folk of the North, before they became
The cast, except for the Spaniard Banderas, is impressive, although, as you'd expect,
Hollywood couldn't resist throwing in gratuitous non-Nordics to add multiculturalism to the
plot. If you can get past this and the historically incorrect swords, helmets and
clothing, you'll love the movie. Just ignore the conspicuous black-haired "Vikings," the
guys in kilts with Celtic accents, and the treacherous Brit passed off as a Viking prince.
Immerse yourself in the spirit of the folk. Ancient anachronisms and misplaced
multiculturals there may be by the boatful, but don't let that sway you into not renting
this flick because it does provide a decent scoop of echt Viking spirit.
The movie begins with Ibn Fadlun, an Arab poet whose camel-riding party stumbles into a
922 AD Rus village. The Northmen are joyously celebrating their departed King's imminent
arrival in Valhalla (in Yahweh-speak, heaven). There are what appear to be Arabic women
belly-dancing in the mead hall to Middle-Eastern music as the men lustfully watch. Some of
the men appear to be short and Slavic. But according to Ibn's real account of the
appearance of the Rus: "I have never seen more perfect physical specimens, tall as date
plums, blond and ruddy." Later, he describes them as ALL having red or blond hair, just as
Tacitus described Germanic tribes back in Roman times.
Ibn cannot speak the language, so Omar Sharif translates. They watch as the Rus King and
all of his possessions are burned on his pyre ship bound for Valhalla. As was the custom,
a young women joined the King in death, chanting:
Lo, there do I see my father.
Lo, there do I see my mother, my sisters and my brothers.
Lo, there do I see the line of my people back to the beginning.
Lo, they do call to me.
They bid me to take my place among them,
In the halls of Valhalla --
Where the brave can live forever.
Contrast that with your atomized, self-actualized individuals, your soul-mate marriages and
your chummy eulogies. Who says we aren't evolving backwards?
The next morning, Ibn walks into a tent and finds the warriors blowing snot in a communal
bowl and passing it around the table, where others can drink, spit and wash their faces in
it. That was in Ibn Fadlun's real account of the Rus, but is widely believed to be an
embellishment due to Semitic cultural bias. In reality, the Rus king's warriors had women
wash their hair and faces for them.
Ibn was then instructed by the "Angel of Death" (using bone magic rather than runes) to be
the 13th mercenary to accompany the Northmen back to their homeland to defend the folk from
the "Eaters of the Dead." The bone lady (Arkan, if memory serves) says, "The 13th warrior
must be no Northman," so Ibn must go along. In real life, the FIFTEEN warriors in
Beowulf sent to defend King Hrothgar's folk from Grendel (called Wendol in the
movie) and his mother were all Northmen. The real Ibn was never heard from again after he
and the warrior party departed. This is where the epic poem Beowulf gets rewritten.
In this Hollywood cross-dressed version there must be a multicultural element, hence the
no-longer-present Arab becomes the hero of the movie. At this point, to avoid confusion, I
will reluctantly refrain from interjecting too much factual information on Beowulf
(I don't want to write a book). But I do recommend you read it.
The next few scenes represent Hollywood revisionism at its subtle best. As the men are
preparing to leave, one of the great characters in the story, Herger the Joyous, played
wonderfully by Dennis Storhoi, is being sent off by three of his women. ALL three appear
to be light-skinned non-Whites.
Ibn's war mount is a beautiful White Arab. The Vikings ride huge, slow DRAFT horses*,
teasing him for "bringing a dog to war." Naturally, Ibn has to show off the virtues of his
smaller horse to gain their respect. We are expected to believe the great Vikings
conquered, created and explored using horses who moved at the speed of a snail.
*[Anyone who knows a little about Norse or horse history knows the Vikings used FAST PONIES
at war, not oversized farm horses heavy as tanks. The Norwegian Fjord is the war pony
(13-14 hands) they most likely used, and the one often depicted on runic drawings of the
time. This pony was extremely versatile, very useful in war for its strength, intelligence,
good nature and ability to withstand cold. Its fine genes continue today, and provide the
foundation stock for the great Icelandic pony. Ibn's Arab was a desert-dweller, a breed
that does not keep well in the snow! Draft horses were used for farming and transporting
heavy war materials and troops. The movie producers must have known this, because they
threw in a few Jutlands -- Danish draft horses -- and put the Wendol on mounts that were
the size of Fjords. The horse switch was intended to make Ibn look good at the expense of
the Northmen, while making the lemmings think Ibn "really showed 'em."
On the trip, Ibn learned the language of the Norse in three nights! In truth, he always
had an interpreter with him and never learned the language. Anyway, the new King (Buliwye),
played brilliantly by the strapping 6'5" Czech-born Vladimir Kulich, asked the Arab to
teach him to draw sounds. The movie never mentioned Ibn's written historical observation
of the former King's name being WRITTEN on a piece of wood, then attached to his funeral
ship. No runic writing is mentioned, nor is the primary reason the Rus were on the Volga:
to set up a trading centers, which eventually became the lifeblood of the economy. The
intention, again, is to make the Northmen look like savages, illiterate savages.
They finally arrive and find King Hrothgar's kingdom in shambles. The roof of his great
mead hall leaks, and there is no fence or any kind of defense. Queen Weilow, played by the
brown-haired Diane Venora, is apparantly the mover and shaker by virtue of the moviemakers'
wildly exaggerated portrayal of Hrothgar's incompetence. She is their guide. They have a
few little skirmishes with the Wendol (the flesh-eating bear people that never really
existed). Before one skirmish, they stand around waiting for an attack when a little girl
is spotted running toward the fortress. Of course, Hollywood would never portray Northmen
selflessly trying to save her from the approaching flesh-eaters, so Ibn decides to risk his
life and heroically saves her. Then he informs them the "fireworm" is mounted cavalry with
torches. As if the Hrothgar's Northmen, after having been virtually wiped out by them,
didn't figure this out before. Oh, it's cavalry! Okay. Duh!
They then embark on a journey to find the bear people and kill the mother (the earth
Goddess the Wendol revered) and the leader. Of course, since the movie depicts the
Northmen as thuggish and ignorant, it takes the Arab poet, born and bred in the sand, to
figure out how to find the bear people. Duh. Where do bears live? In caves. How do you
hunt bears in winter? Go into their cave with spears. Of course, the Northmen, great
hunters, couldn't figure this out, so the Arab had to. After the mother had been killed,
and the Rus King Buliwye had been poisoned, they had to find a way to get out. The Wendol
were approaching, and the Northmen had accepted they would die fighting, until Ibn figured
out that the water flowing out of the cave would lead them out. Yes, we are supposed to
believe the sand-dweller knew of these things, but not the native people who were the first
to sail around the world. It's enough to make a lemming wonder how they made it to North
America or anywhere for that matter.
I will not tell you of the inspirational ending of this movie, but despite my cynical
comments, I highly recommend the movie for several reasons:
1) It is an opportunity to see "when men were men."
2) It captures the bravery and valor of our Nordic ancestors.
3) There are no black Vikings.
4) Antonio Banderas' acting is overshadowed by his betters'.
5) The music is wonderful.
In conclusion, I must say the movie is pretty gory, but it is done in good taste
considering the spirit of the times. Women, do not be deterred from seeing this movie.
If you don't like the plot, you'll be content to stare at the strapping men the entire
time. You can even dream of a future when men will again be men. Oh, and lemmings should
not watch this movie unsupervised.
For additional information about the movie:
To purchase Michael Crichton's book, Eaters of the Dead:
To purchase the video:
Vladimir Kulich fan site:
Dennis Storhoi fan site:
ANGRY WHITE FEMALE
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