Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

by Mark Rivers

These reviews are intended to keep you abreast of racial messages, hidden or obvious, in the movies. In the case of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, however, I am unable to resist matching these observations, tit-for-tat, with a few pun-gags about fun-bags.

Angelina Jolie, in the title role, has quite a rack -- I mean knack -- for playing tough gals, though never in recent mammary has she played one with such busto. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if Angelina were offered a Shakespearean role next. She can provide her own balcony, after all.

The story of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider centers around Lara's two most outstanding attributes -- her courage and her intelligence. Lara, accompanied by her two closest companions -- her butler and her tech support guy -- races to find an ancient relic in the jungle.

Lara spends her time showering, bouncing to and fro, dodging booby traps, and making her enemies look like a couple of great big boobs.

Okay, I'm done. There are but a few Jews at the helm of this movie; most notably, producers Bobby KLEIN and Lloyd LEVIN. Well, it just wouldn't be a Hollywood production without them, would it? Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is directed by Simon West, best known for his highly complex and artistically challenging Con Air, which I believe is now required viewing at the more prestigious film schools. Well, that and Der Ewige Jude.

Simon West puts all of his eye-candy tricks to work in this movie, and comic book geeks of every age will eat it up (along with a couple of boxes of candy). Mercifully, there are only two negroes in the movie: a UPS delivery boy, and a soldier employed by the evil White villain (who you can tell is evil because he has an English accent).

There are also a few Asians here and there (part of the movie takes place in Cambodia), including a Mysterious Little Asian Phantom Girl (wasn't that a David Bowie song?), who appears once in a while to point Lara in the right direction.

Also, for the conspiracy freaks, the "Illuminati" make an appearance. They are all Whites, but then they are also all fictional. There may be a powerful group of people pulling the strings in real life...but it sure ain't the Illuminati.

So, compared to most movies these days, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider doesn't seem to have as much of a "Kill Whitey" theme. If there is a racial complaint to be had, it is this: Lara Croft is a fictional character who, even as a VIDEO GAME heroine, has been turning White men into pasty, obese comic book nerds for half a decade.

If any White man fitting that description is reading this review, here is your homework:

1. It's as likely as not that you can identify with, or have been compared to that fat Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons. You MUST make a 180-degree change in the direction of your life RIGHT NOW.

2. Turn off your computer and walk around outside for 20 minutes. If it's night time, do 20 situps.

3. Comic book babes, no matter how realistic (even if they're eventually portrayed by real actresses), are MAKE-BELIEVE! You know that Jeri Ryan, who plays Six of Nine, or Seven of Eleven or whatever? She's just an actress, and she will NEVER go out with you. Start the ascent back into reality!

4. By sitting in front of this computer so much, your muscles and your mind are turning to mush as your arteries harden. Meanwhile, a blue-gummed negro ape is putting down his crack pipe and sauntering over to your neighborhood. Your sister (or some other White woman), having been fully indoctrinated by MTV, is waiting for him to pick her up and impregnate her with several mongrel niglets.

5. 'Hentai' is the Japanese word for 'sexual perversion' or 'abnormality.' Nothing pleases the non-Whites more than to see Whites drinking from their porno toilet. Break those shackles.

Remember Whites: the Jews want ultimately to breed an illiterate, easily manipulated, tapioca-colored race to serve them. Don't let them get away with it.

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