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Paper Tiger vs. Zippo Lighter, Part 3
by Jasa Petrovic Slovjanski
August 11, 2002
Guess what Hollywood -- Itz not coming, ITZ HERE! Time for the sarcasm
bullet-train to make a stop in the home of America's most powerful
propaganda front. For those of you that have read the first two parts of
this series, you will remember that the objective is to destroy the
credibility of the media in the eyes of the lemmings that surround you. We
all know that saying anything that can be called racist will cause your
target to clam up and reject you. As long as a lemming loves his media,
there can be no hope. Thus one must learn to persuade a lemming to hate
every facet of the mainstream media, so that he or she begins to think
independently. The last two parts covered television(the first was comedy
and reality TV, the second focused on news and dramas), and now it's time to
give Spielberg & Co. their share of mocking.
Let's just come right out and say it: MOVIES SUCK! Before I got into this
movement, I used to look forward to new and exciting movies. It seemed that
in between the times when such movies were showing, there would be a
stagnant period where it seemed like there was nothing worth watching. Oh
how those periods of time have lengthened today. I'm lucky if I even see
one movie in a theatre each year now. While in the army I had a short
streak where I actually saw FOUR movies last year! Out of those, only two
were decent. Like TV, Hollywood's lack of quality is apparent in the
various types of movies it produces. Let's have a look at them in detail.
ACTION FILMS
For anybody with military experience, these movies seem even worse. We have
a compulsion to identify and point out any military inaccuracy with
frightening precision. We cannot watch a WWII movie without thinking: That
German soldier is wearing both Wehrmacht AND Luftwaffe rank! Modern action
movies cause us to notice things such as: Why is that private calling his
captain by his rank instead of 'sir'? And sometimes there is the
ultra-trivial, such as when a character is holding a Desert Eagle to a
hostage's head and the hammer is down.
But even if you don't have the nitpicking syndrome, anybody can see that
action films are formulaic and devoid of compelling storylines. It's even
worse when moviemakers try to make their plots more realistic by ripping
them from the headlines, without any background research of course. This
results in movies like "Behind Enemy Lines," which wins the Slovjanski award
for Complete Lack of Taste and Blatant Ignorance in Film. These are the
type of movies where we see new cliché villains like the "Russian mafia,"
"Serbian Terrorists," and "Russian Neo-Fascists." Any movie containing such
antagonists would be every bit as realistic if they replaced the above
factions with a cadre of marauding Easter Bunnies, or a maniacal
Tooth-Fairy.
Judging by the blatantly formulaic appearance of 90% of action films, I am
inclined to think that these are actually generated by some sort of computer,
probably known as the Krapmatic 5000. Just press a button and you get a
readout you can use to make your screenplay. I believe such a readout
would look something like this:
*** KRAPMATIC 5000 ACTION MOVIE OUTLINE RESULT ***
MOVIE TITLE: HOLLOW POINT
TAG LINE: "THIS SUMMER, THE WAR ON TERROR IS EXPLODING!"
PROTAGONIST: JACK "HOLLOW POINT" STEELE
PROTAGONIST OCCUPATION: SECRET AGENT/MARTIAL ARTS MASTER/GREEN BERET/NINJA
ANTAGONIST
[ ] RUSSIAN MAFIA
[X] SERBIAN TERRORISTS
[ ] ARAB TERRORISTS
[ ] RUSSIAN TERRORISTS
[ ] CORRUPT RUSSIAN ARMY OFFICERS
[ ] RUSSIAN NAZI ORGANIZATION
[ ] RUSSIAN DANCE REVUE
[ ] RUSSIAN ROBOTS
ANTAGONIST'S SECRET WEAPONS
[X] NUCLEAR WEAPONS
[ ] CHEMICAL/BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS
[ ] A REALLY BIG GUN
NUMBER OF WITTY COMMENTS MADE BY PROTAGONIST: 27
WACKY SIDEKICK?: YES
BODY COUNT: 427
VILLAIN RUNS OUT OF BULLETS JUST WHEN HE HAS A GUN TO THE HEAD OF
PROTAGONIST: YES
THANK YOU FOR USING THE KRAPMATIC 5000! REMEMBER, YOUR 10TH MOVIE
SCREENPLAY IS FREE!
And now you know how Jerry Bruckheimer and Joel Schumacher churn out so many
godawful movies every year.
COMEDIES
These are just as bad as sitcoms on TV. Any "teen comedy" is going to be a
90-minute bathroom joke. The average romantic comedy could be described
with one line: Men are Lying, Stupid Bastards! Then there is the abysmal
failure comedy, which is any movie based off one of the following:
A Saturday Night Live character
An old sitcom
The latter example just goes to prove that there is absolutely no
originality in Hollywood these days. Don't believe me? Consider these
illustrious titles: "The Beverly Hillbillies," "The Adams Family," "Leave it to
Beaver," "The Brady Bunch," "Scooby Doo," "The Flintstones," "Schindler's List," and
"The Andy Griffith Show: Otis' Revenge." Many of the sitcom movies were made
in the '90s, and always featured a tagline that went something like this:
"Watch the hilarity as America's favorite family deals with life in 90s!"
I have a better idea for an even more hilarious movie:
"Watch as Jewish movie executives deal with life in late-'30s Germany!"
Today even the biggest companies are scraping the bottom of the sludge
barrel. I am referring to the movie known as "The Country Bears." It's only
a matter of time before Disney has to resort to making movies about other
attractions they possess, such as The Pirates of the Carribean and It's a
Small World! The horror!
This topic could become a series itself, but we must move on to the other
pillars of American ideology. Use the points I brought up here to save your
friends both money and time. Next episode we will be setting our sights on
Sumner Redstone's love child, mainstream music!
JASA PETROVIC SLOVJANSKI
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