Do-It-Yourself Movie Script

by Mark Rivers

It's an oft-told tale -- you're an unrecognized genius who has written a boffo script that will amuse, delight and titillate audiences around the globe. And yet, something is keeping you at your seven-dollars-per-hour job in the middle of Nowheresville. If you could just get your screenplay to Hollywood, get it in the hands of a few dozen important people, and get them to give you a three-picture deal, you'd have it made.

The problem is, Jews control Hollywood, and you haven't written a movie that Hymie wants made. You have written a good movie. In order to get a movie made, you have to write bottom-level swill, like "Armageddon" or "How High." Just follow this template, and before you know it, you'll be schmoozing with the S, the K and the G.

The title of my movie is _____(1)_____. It is a ____(2)____, which focuses upon a ____(3)____ who ____(4)____, along with ____(5)____. To make matters worse, there's ____(6)____, and it is later revealed that ____(7)____. At one point, our hero(ine) says ____(8)____, which humiliates the villain(s), and establishes for the audience who has all of the clever lines in life. At the end, each ____(9)____ villain gets his final comeuppance, in the form of ____(10)____, so that our hero(ine) can revel in the satisfaction of ____(11)____.

1. a) "Healing the Rainbow Within"
    b) "Turnin' it On!"
    c) "Head Slammers"
    d) "Building my Heart"

2. a) touching drama, examining the troubles of today's youth
    b) rollicking comedy, chock full of wacky hilarity and madcap hijinks
    c) butt-kickin' action film, packed to the gills with explosive thrills,
    d) sappy chick flick, which every woman in the country will see, dragging her man along

3. a) sensitive gay teen
    b) wisecracking, dope-smoking negro "playa"
    c) cop on the edge ("one a world...")
    d) single female architect

4. a) pines away for his English Literature teacher
    b) stumbles into an international diamond smuggling operation
    c) doesn't play by the rules
    d) is looking for Mr. Right in a city full of Mr. Wrongs

5. a) his best friend, a talented girl artist who is abused by her alcoholic (White) father
    b) a clueless FBI rookie (White) who just doesn't have the street smarts to make it
    c) his fatherly, no-nonsense partner (negro), just five days away from retirement
    d) her gay best friend, an eccentric (Hispanic or Asian) artist who lives in the loft above her

6. a) a bunch of (White) jocks who take pleasure in making the gay teen's life miserable
    b) a group of right-wing militia kooks set on hijacking the diamonds
    c) a gaggle of European terrorists planning to blow up the city
    d) her slimy male chauvinist boss (White), who is always putting the moves on her

7. a) they are all closet homosexuals themselves
    b) they are a bunch of bumbling idiots, and their pants fall down a lot
    c) they are only blowing up the city so it can be blamed upon non-Europeans
    d) he has been making unwelcome advances upon most of the women in the office

8. a) "You know, the fact that you guys pick on me so much must mean that you are fags too."
    b) "Ah's goan kick yo white asses, know whum sayin, hyuk hyuk!"
    c) "Return to sender, pal!" (This is said after he shoves a guy's head into a mailbox)
    d) "Hey, the only reason you made vice-president is because your daddy owns the place!"

9. a) White
    b) European-American
    c) Caucasian
    d) Anglo-Saxon

10. a) all of them being shamed into escorting him to the gay and lesbian prom
      b) all of them falling into a big mud puddle, then getting caught and sent to jail
      c) all of them being blown up in the helicopter in which they had planned to escape
      d) a swift kick in the nuts

11. a) realizing that everyone who doesn't agree with homosexuality is, in fact, gay
      b) getting away with the diamonds, a new Cadillac and a White woman on each arm
      c) knowing that the city is once again safe from those darn European terrorists
      d) finding out that the dorky guy who liked her in high school has grown up to be a handsome millionaire who is sensitive to her needs

See? It can be done. If you try enough different combinations, you can keep churning out movies just as effectively as the Hymie does. Just make sure you remember us little people back home when you make it big out there. Oh, and stock up on lip balm...your lips are going to be plenty chapped once you've been in Hollywood for a while.


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