Dear Liz,

I'm really serious with a woman, and altho I generally agree you shouldn't have sex with a woman until you want to marry her, I still think the prospect of not enjoying sex after marriage warrants having intercourse before proposing.

My question is how do I know whether she has VD? How do I get her to take the medical tests without ruining the mood? How do I go about talking with her about getting the tests for both of us? I know that many STDs are "silent" and you don't know about them, so how do I address this issue to make sure I don't catch anything?

Can't wait to read your reply,
Mr. Clean

_________________________________________

Dear Mr. Clean,

"Pre-marital" VD tests are a MUST for both partners. So it's good that you're facing reality there. Here is a reasonably full list, which runs about $800 X 2:
CMV (causes mental retardation and birth defects in infants of newly-infected women)
HPV ("silent" strain causes cervical, penile, and bladder cancer, one of 16 strains causes painful genital warts)
HIV/AIDS
Herpes I (oral)
Herpes II (genital)
Chlamydia (often "silent" in men and even in women, causes sterility and pelvic infections)
Gonorrhea
Syphilis (causes insanity -- Nietzsche died of this -- and hideously deformed, fang-like teeth in infants of infected parents)
Hepatitis A
Hepatitis B
Hepatitis C
Tuberculosis

The good news is, all these are BLOOD TESTS, which don't require invasive, humiliating exams and violation of the woman. Go to the Digene website (http://www.digene.com) to read up on these tests. Wherever possible, order the Digene genetic test (they are basically 100% accurate) instead of the old tests. Don't let the out-dated, clueless doctor do a pap-smear on your prospective wife. Stipulate the Digene HPV test instead. There is no HPV test for men yet (because of evil FDA interference), so you should make the utmost effort to get your ex-girlfriend to get an HPV test and give you the results. A man who has never touched his genital area or the inside of his thigh to a woman has a very low risk of HPV, and probably doesn't need to worry about being tested -- especially if his mother is negative. The worst thing you could do to a woman is infect her with cancer-causing HPV, so she has to have her uterus and vagina cut out at age 45. Sixty percent of college females today are positive for HPV, an infection rate that's ballooned overnight, thanks to Jew-promoted promiscuity on MTV. Twenty years from now, genital cancers will be a mass epidemic. Condoms do not protect against HPV, since it is found all over the thigh, testicle, and pubic area. They don't protect against HIV either -- these viruses are much smaller than the molecular gaps in latex. Condoms also cause deadly kidney and bladder infections in women, because latex is so abrasive to a woman's urethra. DON'T "wear your condom" and have [un-!] "safe" sex.

You can start the conversation in a couple of ways. One way is to start discussing inherited diseases -- like cancer, mental illness, diabetes, and epilepsy. You should disclose what you have in your family tree, and expect her to do the same. If she withholds information from you, this is a very serious lie and you should dump her immediately. Inherited diseases and VD are a threat to the next generation of White children, and you can talk about them under the guise of protecting the future children you have together. "What if the two of you had a gork?" is the million-dollar question. Would she abort an anencephalic monster without a brain and the heart on the outside of its body? Or would she insist upon having it, because "It's a baby!" Would she give up a profoundly retarded idiot for adoption -- give it to the fed as a "ward of the State" -- or force YOU to share your home with it for the rest of your life? A rational woman aborts a gork. A rational woman wants to discuss these real-life medical issues with a man she's serious with. Did she smoke and drink heavily for a length of time? Then she's at an increased risk for having mentally retarded kids, including Mongolian idiots, especially if she's over 35. Ancient Romans knew this. That's why it was illegal in Rome for women to drink.

There are ways to work around many STDs. For example, if the man is positive for CMV and the woman is negative, you MUST use fail-safe contraception for at least one year after you begin having intercourse, to give her body a chance to wall off the virus. Otherwise, pregnancy is likely to result in a deformed gork. Tuberculosis infection is prevented by keeping the windows open in the house, drinking milk, and getting plenty of vitamins.

Herpes I (the "kissing disease") can be controlled by not kissing your spouse when you're sick. You can feel the sores on your gums before they erupt if you're alert at all. Hepatitis can usually be cured with antibiotics, and must be treated since it's a deadly liver disease that also causes cancer of the liver. Clamydia and gonorrhea can be cured with antibiotics, but unless they're caught within 24 hours, they've probably scarred up her fallopian tubes so she can't get pregnant. Within days, these diseases will sterilize a man as well. When you can't reproduce the normal way, you'll be shelling out $40,000 a pop for "invitro" fertilization, which has a very high risk of, again, GORKS.

This is a serious discussion to have when you're fully clothed. Focus on coping strategies and planning for the next generation -- even if what you're really thinking is: "I'm going to dump her if it turns out she's a slut." Have the physician mail her lab results directly to you, and vice versa. You'd have to be an idiot to do it any other way.

A second way to brooch the subject is "concern for our health." Hepatitis can kill, you catch it at greasy spoon restaurants, and it can be treated. HIV and HPV kill too and are incurable. A woman positive for HPV should be getting pap smears regularly and have a fat health insurance policy. A man with HPV should be psychologically prepared to have his penis amputated if/when it becomes cancerous. Have you been a male slut? Time to change your ways. And please, stick to your own kind. Don't be getting a virgin into bed. Marry another woman with herpes, like you. Two peas in a pod. A man who infects a woman with VD through deception and omission, deserves a death sentence. She has the moral right to kill you for revenge. You've not only ruined her health, but ruined the health of all her unborn children and their children forward to infinity.

No woman can really get away with hedging the question or refusing to get tested, after you tell her where bladder cancer comes from. The decent thing to do, is to square your jaw and take the tests. If she refuses, she has no integrity. She's a slut with something to hide, or she cares nothing for you.

When you approach the topic like this, she'll have to take the tests to maintain the facade of decency and innocence, even if she knows she has a skeleton in her closet.

Sex is not a leisure activity. It is deadly serious. Do you still want to do it before marriage, just to make sure she's not "frigid?" My view is, you're putting too much pressure on her under a misguided premise. I think it becomes clear well before intercourse whether someone is Puritanical and fake, or sensual, naturalistic, warm, free-spirited, intuitive, and genuine. You'll probably touch her naked body well before you have sex (be a naturalistic Nordic!) If the emotional-subconscious compatibility is there, then sexual satisfaction will come over time, as you slowly, intuitively "learn to dance together." Expecting perfection the first time, or even the tenth time, is unrealistic. And if you're not ready to marry her-- but instead put her through some Mr. Spock TEST, she won't be able to have an orgasm anyway. It will be too cold.

A normal, healthy White woman who is fanatically in love with you won't be frigid. If you're still wondering whether she's frigid or not comfortable enough to discuss VD, it's premature to have sex. Don't worry so much about it, just wait some more. Or get married in Nevada. Divorce is easiest there!

I hope you don't have any unpleasant surprises.

Good luck,

Elizabeth

[If you are vexed by a nettlesome question, forward it to: [email protected], and perchance E. Bennett will essay an answer in an upcoming column.]