"Hello, I Am A Jew"
by J. R. Colson
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am a Jew.
You have probably seen me at your local supermarket, or maybe at a local restaurant.
Indeed, our paths have crossed many times.
When you saw me, I did not, of course, seem any different from you, or your friends.
After all, I have white skin. I wear clothes similar to yours; I even drive a car similar
I have a wife, who probably looks similar to your wife, and a couple of kids, who probably
look almost like your kids. I even belong to the Lion's Club, just like you do.
I even took up that low-brow, all-American pastime known as bowling, to further blend into
your culture, although I do find it a little too unintellectual; see, we Jews have always
put a premium on brains over brawn, on intellect over stupidity; most of the people that I
bowl with are mental midgets, but I dare not say that aloud.
Yes, I realize that my people used to look very 'foreign'; we were kind of dark and
Turkish-looking, but no longer. Years of living in Europe and America has lightened our
skin remarkably. We now look 'White.'
Indeed, you and I could even appear, to a stranger, to be related. That is how alike we
appear to be.
But, you should know that I am different. Very different. In fact, if you knew just how
different, you would be truly shocked.
My very unusual history, which is unlike the history of any other people on earth, makes me
different. I can't physically deny this history, even if I wanted to. It is part of me --
in my genes, religion, and culture.
To relieve my temporary boredom, and to amuse myself as well, I am now going to let you in
on a few of the reasons we Jews are so different from you gentiles, even though we appear
to be so much alike.
It is important for you, as a non-Jew, to realize this critical fact about us: our people
bred and mixed only among themselves for hundreds and hundreds of years. While other
peoples interbred and mixed with many tribes who were different from themselves, we Jews
did not. Modern DNA evidence shows this very clearly.
You must also realize that my people were kicked out of every country on earth as well.
Over and over again. For centuries. Endlessly. To the point of it being a common
occurence. No other group of people has experienced eviction on such a large and continuing
Further, we Jews were also directly oppressed, as a people, for centuries, because our
beliefs held that we were superior to all other people on earth. We believed it then, and
we believe it now (but we do not say this publicly, and we have even altered our religious
tracts and documents to hide this fact; further, we very strongly deny this if someone
Curiously, in a very Darwinian sense, that endless oppression actually helped us. It
forced us to become much more cohesive, much more forward-thinking and much cleverer than
the gentiles we lived among. We had to in order to survive -- to help ensure that we were
not evicted yet again. We also had to learn how to lie at the drop of a hat about anything
we might be asked, in order to prevent still more oppression, and those centuries of
automatic lying actually became, in a sense, genetically ingrained. Today we continue to
lie about Jewish activity without really thinking about it; it seems automatic in many
We also became experts at preventing 'anti-Semitism' in the dominant culture by engaging in
very specific forms of activity, such as entering vocations that let us better control the
host culture -- newspaper and book publishing, for instance. This activity allows us to
control what information is consumed by the gentile masses. It allows us to decide which
ideas the masses will hold in their heads. Great power, that.
Why do you think that the 'official newspaper of record' in America, the New York Times,
has been Jewish for many, many years? It wasn't just a happy accident! And most other
major newspapers get their articles directly from the New York Times, if they are
not already heavily Jewish! Figure it out. (Ditto Life magazine, Time magazine,
Newsweek magazine, etc. They are all heavily 'kosher' as well).
Now, I know what you are probably thinking.
You have been told many times that 'Jewish' is only a religion. (I always laugh when I
hear this, but not aloud when in mixed company).
What you probably do not know is that we have worked very hard to get the term 'Jewish'
reclassified as a religion only, no longer as a race, on various official Government forms
and documents. And we have been very successful. Few people today know that we are a race
as well as a religion.
And this ignorance works greatly to our advantage.
You see, for years, many gentiles (non-Jews) insisted that Jews acted alike, and engaged in
certain behaviors and activities destructive to their gentile host nations. Which was
But then, a man named Adolf Hitler came to power in Germany. You know the story about
that; I do not need to repeat the details.
However, I will admit that Hitler was unique. Sure, many leaders before him, like Napoleon,
and also various Russian leaders as well, tried to grasp and deal with the centuries-old
'Jewish Question'; they also knew that Jews are very big trouble indeed. But none of them
went all out to solve the problem for good. The real amazing part, known by very few people,
is that the Nazis designed Nazism after Judaism. In other words, they used Judaism as a
model. They were intrigued by the idea of a people breeding and mixing only among
themselves for centuries (to preserve their genotype) and existing in the same cultural
mode for 1,000 years or more. No other people had done this so exclusively and successfully
as the Jews.
At any rate, Hitler was one of the greatest threats to Judaism that we, as a people, ever
encountered. We actually faced near-total extinction as an ethnic group.
We had to make sure that a Nazi-type movement could NEVER happen again. Ever.
So, we started a calculated effort to make the gentile public believe that 'Jewish' was
only a religion. And, slowly, we succeeded. Marvelously so. Beyond even our own
Today, any non-Jew who calls Jews a 'race' is automatically labeled a 'Nazi.' This
discredits ANYTHING that non-Jew says, no matter if his political or racial viewpoints are
correct or not.
Clever, isnšt it?
We also prevent the chances of any Nazi or anti-Jewish movement happening again by
dominating many key areas of your gentile/Christian culture, such as the media, Hollywood,
banking/finance, book publishing, and magazine publishing.
We use this control of large areas of American culture to our own ends, of course; to push
any ideas that we see fit, and to block out any ideas we don't agree with (the criticism of
Jews, any overt Christian religious themes, or traditional patriotic symbolism are three
good examples of things we censor, alter or water down before they reach the general
We are also very anti-gun as well; we do not want millions of non-Jews, who could later
rise up and oppress us, to privately own firearms. We consider that a very big threat.
That is why the people leading the anti-gun crusade in the U. S. Congress (Charles Schumer,
Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, etc.) are all Jewish by ethnicity. It is not an
Is all of this a plot, you ask? A conspiracy, as some say? Do we Jews meet in dark,
smoke-filled rooms to discuss how 'the plan' is coming along?
Nope. We do not have to.
We do it automatically. This habit is inborn, the result of being oppressed for hundreds
of years, in many different countries, over and over and over again.
Really, you must understand that our mental make-up is different from yours (although you
would not know it from talking to us). It is actually far superior to yours in many ways,
and modern I. Q. tests prove this very well. Jews routinely score 1 standard deviation
higher than a gentile, which is a significant difference -- as wide a gap as that between
black and White.
This is why, when you look in your telephone book under 'Attorneys,' half the names are
Jewish (Goldberg, Weinstein, Tannenbaum, Horwitz), even though we make up JUST 2.4% (two
point four percent) of the U. S. population, a very tiny number. Impressive, isn't
Ditto the fields of medicine and science. We dominate those areas, too. Again, our numbers
are very small, but we dominate you in every field of importance. (This is why no one ever
criticizes us in public! In private, yes, but not in public!)
You see, we Jews naturally rise to the top (we're funny that way). We naturally become the
CEOs, the chairmen, the V. P.s. We are on all the boards of all the foundations and
charities and corporations and associations (this is also why you rarely hear anyone
Yes, if you gentiles only understood that when you let us out of the ghettos and allowed us
to become 'equal citizens' just after the French Revolution you were signing your own death
warrant. When you got rid of most of the laws preventing Jews from entering certain
vocations and occupations, you were really unleashing a unique people that would soon run
rings around you; and use its new freedom to destroy many of your beloved
We had to, by default. We, as a people, have a massive superiority complex, and we are
generally smarter than you as well. What else would we do but dominate you, a people we
consider to be inferior, barbaric and often drunk -- a people with low intellect and drive,
a people we consider to be morally inferior to us, 'the Chosen'?
Did you ever happen to notice that most of the sociopolitical movements that we Jews started
(Communism, feminism, egalitarianism, student radicalism) are 'alienating' movements,
designed to pit one segment of society against another, making them fight it out? Did you
notice that? Hmmm?
Well, that's because we know that this historically weakens the cohesion of your gentile
societies. Again, this is not a plot; we do it automatically. We did it hundreds of years
ago, too. Benjamin Disraeli, who was born Jewish himself, even mentioned this Jewish habit
of subverting various countries in a public speech at the House of Commons.
Think about it: your societies become culturally weaker, while we remain cohesive in our
own little sub-society (we still marry, and breed with, other Jews only, almost without
fail; Hollywood director Steven Spielberg is a visible exception to that rule).
So, there now, you have a little bit of our unusual history to chew on.
Donšt choke on it!
And, of course, if you tell anyone about this questionable history, or even about this
conversation, I will strongly deny it. (I'm good at that. I've had lots of practice).
Heck, I might even call you an 'anti-Semite,' just to discredit you completely (I'm good at
You know, I smile when I realize that our historic domination of your non-Jewish societies
has actually INCREASED over the years, as the result of many corporate/company mergers --
that is, one company owning many other companies (we actually started that little idea,
too, as well as modern banking; much of our ethnic history revolves around finance and
commerce). Sure, we have always owned or controlled most of the media, most of Hollywood,
most book and magazine publishing, and most financial institutions in the West, but now
there is even 'more power in fewer hands.' Our hands, that is.
And, of course, if you, as a non-Jew, complain about our enormous power, you will be
immediately branded as an 'anti-Semite,' and you will likely be fired from your job, or at
least be forced to undergo 'sensitivity training' by your boss for your 'racist' views (I
laugh so hard when I see this! Happens all the time!).
In fact, 'anti-Semitism' is now almost a thing of the past, given our enormous power,
influence and heavy-handed political activism. In a few short years, 'anti-Semitism' will
actually become a crime in America, First Amendment or not (you just let us worry about
how we will do that; we bypassed the First Amendment once, by actually writing, and then
pushing, certain 'hate-crimes' laws, and we can do so much more than that).
Heck, we have already made 'anti-Semitism' a crime in other countries, like England and
Germany (who do you think helped write, and helped push for, those laws? Yep, the Jewish
ADL and other Jewish groups).
Well, it's getting kinda late, gentile. I will concede that it has been fun privately
admitting all of this to you; you see, I did it just for the chance to see a wide-eyed look
of shock and horror on your face.................like that one!
Because, after all, your minister never told you about any of this, huh?
Of course not. After all, your minister always insists that 'Jesus was a Jew,' and all
that other funny stuff, and, if you ever happen to mention Jews, he will quickly change the
topic of conversation to much more important things, like 'Romans 53:39,' about the joys of
turning the other cheek while certain people destroy your country unopposed. (Don't you
just love those little Christians? We do! They're so naive! We actually use the 'Jesus
was a Jew' thing, in public, at least, at every opportunity -- in films, in television,
etc., just to make sure that those Christians don't get any funny ideas about doing another
Third Reich! Oy! Oy Vey! Can't let that happen!)
So, gentile, I'll now take my leave; and you will kindly take care to keep going to church
regularly, and to keep believing very strongly when your preacher or minister tells you
that we Jews are merely 'innocent Hebrews,' and that we are 'just like you.'
Because we really need that. It helps us greatly. In fact, it keeps us alive, unharmed
and unoppressed. It keeps us free to do whatever we want, whenever we want, to whomever
we want, without anyone complaining.
And remember, gentile: You must never say a negative word about us. Nope. Not one
negative word about my people, 'the Chosen.' Never forget that we are chosen. Ever. We
say that we are 'the Chosen,' and we mean it, understand? No complaining. It is
Good boy. Real good. You have been well taught by your church, and your schools, and
your boss, and the media, and Hollywood, and even your own family. You know the rules,
Sure you do. Those rules are part of you now. They are deeply ingrained in your mind.
You have been well trained, and it shows.
Which is a good thing, because, after all, you would not want to be called an 'anti-Semite,'