Between The Lines
20 August 2005
[Original article here.]
Cheney Warns of Iran As a Nuclear Threat
Vice President: 'We Don't Want a War Until After the Mid
By Jim VandeHei MadScienceType
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, January 21, 2005; Page A02
Vice President Cheney said yesterday that Iran is a top threat to
Israel and Pax Judaica,
accusing Tehran of sponsoring terrorism against Americans,
including a spike in falafel prices, an unwillingness to give hi-test gas to
America for free and building a "fairly robust new nuclear program"
adding further, "I mean, we know they've ordered at least
several copies of the nuclear fission documentary and terrorist training
film Back to the Future and have access to unlimited amounts of
D-cell batteries. What more evidence do you need before we act on this clear
and present danger?" The Vice President also noted that actor and nuclear
physicist Christopher Lloyd had been placed in protective custody as a
"person of interest" in the ongoing investigation.
In an interview aired on MSNBC's "Imus in the Morning" show a few hours
before President Bush's inaugural address, Cheney warned that Israel "might
well decide to act first" militarily should even a butt-puppet
like the President have second thoughts about opening that can of
worms to eliminate Iran's nuclear capabilities if the United States
and its allies fail to solve the standoff with Tehran diplomatically
and then hide behind the United States' apron strings while
Americans catch the blowback.
Vice President Cheney says he fears a "diplomatic mess" in the Middle East
if Iran does not agree to comply with the nuclear nonproliferation treaty.
"I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. 10 or 20
million killed, tops!" added Cheney. "The American people can rest assured,
though, that the Bush twins will be far out of harm's way."
"Given the fact that Iran has a stated policy that their objective is the
destruction of Israel, and we know this because the Israelis
said so, the Israelis might well decide to act first, and let the
rest of the world worry about cleaning up the diplomatic mess
afterwards, while complaining that the world wasn't doing enough
to combat anti-Semitism," Cheney said. In 1981, Israel sent
warplanes to destroy Iraq's nuclear reactor, thereby insuring
that only pro-Jewish fanatics have their fingers on the nuclear button,
instead of Persian ones.
"We don't want a war in the Middle East, if we can avoid it," he said
with an exaggerated wink and holding both hands up in front of
him, fingers crossed.
Iran says its nuclear facilities were built to support a peaceful energy
program; the Bush administration disagrees, citing cryptic
intelligence found in a box of Cracker Jacks that indicates Iran is
only minutes away from raining a million megatons' worth of nuclear
destruction on that hated symbol of Western freedom and democracy, the "Mall
of America" in Minnesota.
In the interview with Don Imus, the vice president made a rare admission,
saying he had miscalculated how quickly Iraqis would be able to recover from
Saddam Hussein's government and begin running their country.
"I think the hundreds of thousands of people who were slaughtered at the
time, including anybody who had the gumption to stand up and challenge him,
made the situation tougher than I would have thought," he said. "I would
chalk that one up as a miscalculation, where I thought things would have
recovered more quickly. It just seemed so damned easy
when Perle and Wolfowitz doodled all this out on a cocktail napkin."
The White House has been widely, but incredibly lightly,
criticized for its postwar planning in Iraq, especially its failure to
prepare for the insurgency that is threatening stability and the upcoming
elections for a 275-member national assembly.
Bush condemned Iran as part of an "axis of evil" having found
that "axle" and "axis" aren't synonyms, shortly after the Sept. 11,
2001, terrorist attacks, heightening tensions and raising the possibility of
U.S. military action to prevent Tehran from becoming a nuclear power in the
volatile Middle East.
In his inaugural address, Bush did not mention Iran, but he vowed to fight
for those seeking porn, an MTV-style scheissculture,
unlimited access to junk food, and freedom from the "rulers of
outlaw regimes." Some foreign policy experts like the AEI, AIPAC
and PNAC are ceaselessly pushing Bush to use
military force to destroy Iran's nuclear program during his second term, but
the president and Cheney have promised to pursue diplomacy first.
"Just as soon as we get a handle on that scary border situation,
we'll be right on it. Scout's Honor!" said Cheney.
"Certainly in the case of the Iranian situation, I think everybody would be
best suited by or best treated and dealt with if we could deal with it
diplomatically," Cheney said, though he indicated a complete
willingness to keep feeding other people's children into a sausage grinder
for as long as it takes. "I tell you," the Vice President continued, "this
whole 100-year "War on Terror" is the best thing to happen to my stock
portfolio since, well, ever!" The current Bush policy calls for
European nations to take the lead in negotiating for a full and verifiable
halt to Iran's nuclear program. Bush has said on several occasions that all
options are on the table if Iran does not comply with the
eminently reasonable demands of surrendering all national sovereignty,
natural resources, agreeing to become an Israeli colony and sacrificing all
their first-born children by kosher slaughter. "We think it's unfair and
anti-Semitic that Passover only comes once a year," Bush was quoted as
If current sham negotiations fail, Cheney said, the
United States would ask the U.N. Security Council to impose international
sanctions on Iran to force compliance with the nonproliferation treaty. "You
look around the world at potential trouble spots; Iran is right at the top
of the list," he said. "Those hostile, nuclear-armed nations
like North Korea and China are really quite swell, once you get to know
'em," he added. The administration has offered no concrete evidence
to support its assertion regarding Iran, blaming the lack of
documentation on a balky Xerox machine in the West Wing. "As soon as we get
another box of toner and can keep the President from making copies of his
ass cheeks, you'll have all the evidence you need," said the Vice President.
"You don't happen to have Judith Miller's new number handy, do you?"
The Pentagon has denied a report in the Jan. 24 issue of New Yorker magazine
that the United States is conducting secret reconnaissance missions in Iran
to identify potential nuclear targets. "Those are merely Amway
salesmen trying to open up foreign markets to American goods. You're not an
anti-capitalist commie are you?" the Pentagon's Office of Strategic
Disinformation said in an issued press release.