Between The Lines

by MadScienceType

20 August 2005

[Original article here.]

Cheney Warns of Iran As a Nuclear Threat

Vice President: 'We Don't Want a War Until After the Mid Term Elections'

By Jim VandeHei MadScienceType
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, January 21, 2005; Page A02

Vice President Cheney said yesterday that Iran is a top threat to Israel and Pax Judaica, accusing Tehran of sponsoring terrorism against Americans, including a spike in falafel prices, an unwillingness to give hi-test gas to America for free and building a "fairly robust new nuclear program" adding further, "I mean, we know they've ordered at least several copies of the nuclear fission documentary and terrorist training film Back to the Future and have access to unlimited amounts of D-cell batteries. What more evidence do you need before we act on this clear and present danger?" The Vice President also noted that actor and nuclear physicist Christopher Lloyd had been placed in protective custody as a "person of interest" in the ongoing investigation.

In an interview aired on MSNBC's "Imus in the Morning" show a few hours before President Bush's inaugural address, Cheney warned that Israel "might well decide to act first" militarily should even a butt-puppet like the President have second thoughts about opening that can of worms to eliminate Iran's nuclear capabilities if the United States and its allies fail to solve the standoff with Tehran diplomatically and then hide behind the United States' apron strings while Americans catch the blowback.

Vice President Cheney says he fears a "diplomatic mess" in the Middle East if Iran does not agree to comply with the nuclear nonproliferation treaty. "I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. 10 or 20 million killed, tops!" added Cheney. "The American people can rest assured, though, that the Bush twins will be far out of harm's way." "Given the fact that Iran has a stated policy that their objective is the destruction of Israel, and we know this because the Israelis said so, the Israelis might well decide to act first, and let the rest of the world worry about cleaning up the diplomatic mess afterwards, while complaining that the world wasn't doing enough to combat anti-Semitism," Cheney said. In 1981, Israel sent warplanes to destroy Iraq's nuclear reactor, thereby insuring that only pro-Jewish fanatics have their fingers on the nuclear button, instead of Persian ones.

"We don't want a war in the Middle East, if we can avoid it," he said with an exaggerated wink and holding both hands up in front of him, fingers crossed.

Iran says its nuclear facilities were built to support a peaceful energy program; the Bush administration disagrees, citing cryptic intelligence found in a box of Cracker Jacks that indicates Iran is only minutes away from raining a million megatons' worth of nuclear destruction on that hated symbol of Western freedom and democracy, the "Mall of America" in Minnesota.

In the interview with Don Imus, the vice president made a rare admission, saying he had miscalculated how quickly Iraqis would be able to recover from Saddam Hussein's government and begin running their country.

"I think the hundreds of thousands of people who were slaughtered at the time, including anybody who had the gumption to stand up and challenge him, made the situation tougher than I would have thought," he said. "I would chalk that one up as a miscalculation, where I thought things would have recovered more quickly. It just seemed so damned easy when Perle and Wolfowitz doodled all this out on a cocktail napkin."

The White House has been widely, but incredibly lightly, criticized for its postwar planning in Iraq, especially its failure to prepare for the insurgency that is threatening stability and the upcoming elections for a 275-member national assembly.

Bush condemned Iran as part of an "axis of evil" having found that "axle" and "axis" aren't synonyms, shortly after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, heightening tensions and raising the possibility of U.S. military action to prevent Tehran from becoming a nuclear power in the volatile Middle East.

In his inaugural address, Bush did not mention Iran, but he vowed to fight for those seeking porn, an MTV-style scheissculture, unlimited access to junk food, and freedom from the "rulers of outlaw regimes." Some foreign policy experts like the AEI, AIPAC and PNAC are ceaselessly pushing Bush to use military force to destroy Iran's nuclear program during his second term, but the president and Cheney have promised to pursue diplomacy first. "Just as soon as we get a handle on that scary border situation, we'll be right on it. Scout's Honor!" said Cheney.

"Certainly in the case of the Iranian situation, I think everybody would be best suited by or best treated and dealt with if we could deal with it diplomatically," Cheney said, though he indicated a complete willingness to keep feeding other people's children into a sausage grinder for as long as it takes. "I tell you," the Vice President continued, "this whole 100-year "War on Terror" is the best thing to happen to my stock portfolio since, well, ever!" The current Bush policy calls for European nations to take the lead in negotiating for a full and verifiable halt to Iran's nuclear program. Bush has said on several occasions that all options are on the table if Iran does not comply with the eminently reasonable demands of surrendering all national sovereignty, natural resources, agreeing to become an Israeli colony and sacrificing all their first-born children by kosher slaughter. "We think it's unfair and anti-Semitic that Passover only comes once a year," Bush was quoted as saying.

If current sham negotiations fail, Cheney said, the United States would ask the U.N. Security Council to impose international sanctions on Iran to force compliance with the nonproliferation treaty. "You look around the world at potential trouble spots; Iran is right at the top of the list," he said. "Those hostile, nuclear-armed nations like North Korea and China are really quite swell, once you get to know 'em," he added. The administration has offered no concrete evidence to support its assertion regarding Iran, blaming the lack of documentation on a balky Xerox machine in the West Wing. "As soon as we get another box of toner and can keep the President from making copies of his ass cheeks, you'll have all the evidence you need," said the Vice President. "You don't happen to have Judith Miller's new number handy, do you?"

The Pentagon has denied a report in the Jan. 24 issue of New Yorker magazine that the United States is conducting secret reconnaissance missions in Iran to identify potential nuclear targets. "Those are merely Amway salesmen trying to open up foreign markets to American goods. You're not an anti-capitalist commie are you?" the Pentagon's Office of Strategic Disinformation said in an issued press release.


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