National Public Radio Application for Employment
by Jack Killey
26 June 2005
Here are our basic criteria for consideration. The "correct" answers are supplied in parentheses. Any applications that deviate from our high standards will be used as placemats for our pastrami and lox lunches and summarily thrown out.
b) Effeminate Male
c) Homosexual Male
d) Male but guilty about it, have a lisp, and am considering a sex-change operation
e) Normal heterosexual male
(a,b,c, or d.)
e) Asian Indian with an unfathomable name like "Sneedek Ungrapradesh"
f) White but can manage convincing or empathetic pronunications of "Neecarlagua" or "Barheeo" that suggest I actually hang out with Spics in dangerous neighborhoods
(c,d,e,f, or b if we need a token nigger)
b) Reform Jewish
c) Unobservant, secular Jew
d) Atheist Jew
e) Lapsed Catholic but I've been interested in the Kabbalah lately
f) Lapsed Episcopalian but I have a lot of Jewish friends, really
g) Unitarian Universalist
(d,c,b,a,f,e,g) in that order
b) Columbia Journalism School
e) The Hebrew School
f) Wright State University
5: Marital Status:
a) Married to any influential male in New York or Washington who feeds me news leaks and would be glad to see me trot off to NPR every day so he'll be out of earshot of my all-knowing, smug, pseudo-intellectual voice
b) Single, no one can stand me because I'm a yattering harpy or a fey excuse for a male
c) Divorced, no one could stand me because I have a nasal, whining, supercilious voice that never stops
d) Divorced more than once, absolutely no one could stand me because I'm a neurotic, hectoring termagent with serious mental problems
6: Where is Indiana?
a) Somewhere west of 42nd Street
b) I think it's next to Idaho, isn't it?
c) West of Louisiana
7: According the the FBI's Uniform Crime Statistics, what group commits the most violent crimes per capita in the United States?
a) Young lazy black males
b) Young lazy Hispanic males
c) Working white crackers in the Midwest
(c) despite all evidence to the contrary
8: What is your conception of the American Midwest?
a) A large agricultural and industrial region that was the engine for much of America's growth and prosperity, settled mostly by white European immigrants whose work ethic, honesty, and devotion to family made it a safe and enjoyable place to live
b) A dark, forbidding, uncharted no-man's-land I've flown over on the red-eye from L.A., inhabited by inbred German farmers with huge gun collections and a seething hatred of Jews and nonwhites. No good delis. Useful for occasional "color" features to lead listeners to believe we know where it is.
9. On your desk are two possible story leads in Dayton, Ohio for "Morning Edition" handkerchief-wringers. You have a four-minute slot to fill and can only use one. David Kastenbaum has been booked for a fast flight out of JFK and is nervous about being so far away from a deli and being beat up by crackers, but he's agreed to interview your choice. They are:
a) A white high school student in traction who was set upon by a gang of African-Americans who gave him a "curbie," blinded him in one eye, collaped a lung, broke four ribs, and deprived him of a football scholarship by crushing his kneecap. They needed his lunch money for wine. The student is only the latest in an alarming pattern of black-on-white violence at a large high school.
b) Linda Wertheimer's nephew by her sixth husband, a homosexual associate professor of comparative literature at Wright State University, was called a "homo" by a white who rejected his advances at the local Starbucks. He's had to increase his antidepressant dosage and psychotherapy visits and take a leave of absence until he recovers. Possible angle is the alarming rise in "gay-bashing" in the American Midwest.
(b), of course
10. An Israeli Jew with a fake passport was arrested on the Ohio Turnpike with $20 million worth of the dangerous psychedelic drug "Ecstacy" in his trunk. The state troopers had to Mace him when he resisted arrest. It's well-documented that Jews run the Ecstacy trade worldwide and most large seizures of the drug have involved Jews. We have no stories in the pipeline this morning on homosexual New York performance artists or Zimbabwean naturalists fighting to save the rare Bukkake Beetle from extinction as white farmers are raped and slain all around them. We may have to run this story. What spin should you put on it?
a) The questionable legality of search-and-seizure laws under current interpretations of the Fourth Amendment
b) The alarming increase in police brutality in the American Midwest
c) The alarming increase in "racial targeting" methods employed by police in traffic stops
d) The widespread destruction and increasing dissipation of white American youth, especially impressionable females, through the use of a drug formulated and marketed by Jews reaping huge profits
(a,b, or c). Don't even _think_ about (d).