Area Man Faithfully Repeats Back Every Media Message Ever Fed To Him

by Douglas Wright

6 December 2004

A VNN short by Douglas Wright, with apologies to the Onion

Scranton, Pa. --- Dwight Nevins, a 41-year-old manager for Allstate's regional office here, regurgitated with unnerving and robotic efficiency every cliché, unreflected bleating and propaganda nugget on racial and ethnic issues ever aimed his way during a discussion of current events at The Heave Ho, a local bar. He was greeted after each regurgitation by a collective "yup" from his drinking buddies.

On the topic of the white hunters killed by a Hmong, Nevins said, "Well, you can't blame every Hmong. We gotta take people as individuals. Besides, they fought with us in 'Nam. We gotta take care of 'em. I mean sure, if that guy did it, we should fry him. But hey, look at all the racism those people face. You might get mad, too."

Nevins took a swig of beer, looked around, and continued:

On the topic of the Middle East, he said, "Israel is the only democracy in the region. She's our best ally over there. We gotta stand by her."

On Jews, Nevins said, "Hey, ya gotta hand it to the Jews. They face a lot of discrimination. And after Hitler, jeez. I figure they oughtta be able to do whatever they want. I think people are just jealous of them because they're so smart and successful."

On Iraq: "We're over there fighting for freedom. My dad was in the big one. He fought for our freedom. Now it's the same. We gotta strike terrorism where it lives. Saddam Hussein was just like Hitler."

On race: "Look, we're all just folks here. I mean, black, white, I don't care. If you're a good person, that's all that counts for me. Race is just a skin color. I don't judge people by the color of their skin."

On immigration: "People want a better life for themselves and their families. It's that simple. America was founded on immigration, for Pete's sake. They used to say the Irish couldn't come in. It's no different now. The immigrants do the jobs nobody else will do. Our economy would collapse without them."

On diversity: "It's good for us. I mean, we can't just keep going with same old boring white people. We gotta have some hot Latinas around. It spices things up. People are so afraid of anything that's different. Not me. I'm open to new things."

On affirmative action: "You know, maybe once upon a time it was a good idea, but nowadays, I think we need to start treating everyone the same. I mean, hey, I had to pay for my own college. I think it's racist to say black people can't make it on their own. I played football with this black guy in high school, and he was the smartest guy on the team."

On the future of America in general, Nevins concluded: "It's just gettin' better 'n better. We got more diversity, we're winning the war on terror, and things are just great. I'm proud to be an American."

With that, he finished his beer and left the bar.


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