The Good Aliens

by The Shadow

10 November 2004

You won't find the following report in any newspaper or on any TV station, but the story it tells took place in Nebraska just about six months ago.

Shortly past midnight on a dark and rainy Monday morning, several thousand space ships landed right smack in the middle of one of the state's largest farms. Out of those ships poured no fewer than 100,000 aliens of the outer-space variety.

These humanoids didn't look a lot different from what you might see later in the day on any subway in Queens. They each had two arms, two legs, and common Chinese-made clothing that included sneakers and a baseball cap.

These visitors didn't waste any time upon arriving. Immediately they set off on foot across Nebraska in search of hospitals and nursing homes. Along the way, they would stop to eat enormous amounts of corn, and then defecate whenever and wherever they needed to.

At the hospitals, they donated huge amounts of blood identical to the blood of human beings, and also went around to the patients' rooms, comforting the seriously ill and those about to be operated on. At the nursing homes, they would sit and joke with the residents, play cards with them, and generally take on the role of surrogate relatives.

The aliens' voracious eating of corn neveer diminished, however. A single alien could eat as much corn as a small hog and then defectate as much as a large one. The Nebraskan farmers were beside themselves.

When the various police departments across the state finally began to intervene, the aliens essentially ignored them, offering only to kneel and pray with the officers. Whenever a cop would grab one of them in an attempt to move him off a farm, the incredibly strong alien would simply pull away or gently pin the officer to the ground.

Eventually Governor Fritterman was forced to call in the National Guard. But when those girls saw what was happening to the police, they refused even to get out of their trucks.

Finally, the governor was left with no choice but to request the president to send in the last battalion of Marines left on American soil. The Leathernecks, operating mostly from helicopter gunships, reluctantly exterminated the good-hearted aliens with machine-gun fire.

Many of the citizens of Nebraska were understandably upset. Few of them had hated the aliens, except, perhaps, for the cops who had been manhandled. Even some farmers loved them for their good works. In fact, no one in the state could recall a friendlier or more helpful group of visitors. The chief custodian at Aksarben Stadium probably spoke for most Cornhuskers when he said, "I ain't felt this bad since the day I had to put down Old Blue."


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