In Search Of (No) Conspiracy (Whatsoever)

by Il Ragno

30 August 2004

From time to time I write about the cloacal morality of the media as they go about wrecking civilization and annoying hell out of me. But generally I do my mochaccino-maverick, Jeff-Foxworthy-as-Rhodes-scholar shtick. Don't ask me why, but this fake-cowboy act is money in the bank: ask Don Imus if you don't believe me.

For rhetorical convenience I use "New York" and "Hollywood" as a sort of abbreviation for the news racket and the screen trades. What can I say? I just picked two cities entirely at random, and they sorta clicked for whatever reason. Well, anyway, this column gets a lot of email, and some of it assumes that "New York" and "Hollywood" are code words for "Jews" simply because they reside there in great numbers and control every aspect of public life in both places while carefully creating/filtering/vetting every published word and broadcast image set before the great mooing herd. In other words, classic anti-Semitism. Let me give you a typical example of such email, the subject line being "Fred I Kill You Jew Loving Scum."

"Dear Fred,

In the name of Allah, the merciful.

You column of Great Satan Television so good me pause ritually mutilating daughter's clitoris to have read aloud to me. But why not you call for jihad on Jew?

You scared like little girl to say Jew. All evil thing come from Jew; not just UPN, but many bad thing in newspaper also. So you know but not say. Run away Mexico instead fight for homeland. You fight rice nigger Vietnam. You fight sand nigger Iraq. You fight justplain nigger Washington DC. But you no fight Jew. This why me taking pilot lesson.

In Palestine we have saying for one like you: "All tree and no olives." No seventy virgin with nice ass in Paradise for YOU, infidel! One day soon I blow you house up bomb.





I didn't just get admitted to MIT - I got a PhD from there. This was right before the Plutonians contacted me through a process they call NeuroVox - well, that's neither here nor there. Forget - just forget I said that last part. Anyhow I'd like to tell you just how spineless I think your last column was in omitting the very obvious fact that JEWS have played and continue to play the largest role in fluoridation's slow destructive agenda.

Jews have both a genetic and cultural desire to subvert and destroy the purity of their host civilizations' precious bodily fluids - something I first became aware of during the physical act of love, by the way. The prevalence of Jews in television, advertising and reservoir management provides a powerful channel for those destructive urges to have their effect.

Have you ever seen a Shecky drink a glass of water? Under no account will your hard-core Jew... ever... gulp down a glass of plain tap water? Bottled, Fred. Carbonated. Mineral water - that's what they drink.

Nineteen hundred and forty-eight. Nineteen forty-eight, Fred. How does that coincide with your post-war Hebrew conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Shecky works.

Fred, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Fred - children's ice cream!

You're no tough guy, Fred - why are you so scared of Jews? I will take you seriously only when you have the guts to demand that Jews be made to answer for the Great Fluoridation Conspiracy and their clandestine alliance with the Venusian War Council. Oh, shit - I've said too much.

We never spoke,

Vincent, USAF (Ret.)"

You see? Anti-Semites are invariably mentally disturbed and/or swarthy foreigners. And while I admire the fearlessness of 'Rouk and Vince in having me take on the Jews, "Let's you and him fight" sounds better when it's Ariel Sharon saying it to George W Bush.

Being weary of this stuff, I am going to felch the last dingleberry off the collective Jewish bunghole so thoroughly Joe Farah will seem like Julie Streicher by comparison - and then I'm going back to better things, such as mass-mailing form-letter apologies to every city-room and nat'l affairs desk editor in Christendom just in casea awkwardly-turned phrase or two gets, y'know, taken out of context John Rocker-style. Just cuz I earn my livelihood playacting at being the country cracker who speaks sly Truth to omniscient Power - Sut Lovingood in a Members-Only jacket - don't mean I don't look both ways before crossing Jew Street, after all. Heck, sometimes I stand there for days, waiting to cross, and never get off the curb at all.

Now, the conventions of discourse being what they are, it is hard to talk about Jews at all. If you say, "Some of my best friends are Jews," it means you hate Jews. If you say, "I can't stand the freaking Jews," it means you hate Jews. If you don't say anything, it means you secretly hate Jews. And if you say, "Jews invented Communism, feminism and interracial dating to help kill your nation and make you perpetual serfs in your own homeland", well, you allovasudden start getting server crashes and hosting snafus and "404 error - file not found"s and, shoot, before you know it you ain't even an Internet columnist no more.

Now if you say anything good about the Jews, it means that you are a tool of the Jews, or afraid of the Jews, or have had your mind clouded by Jews. But at least the checks clear.

The premises of letters such as the foregoing are invariant: (1) that Jews want to control and exploit the gentiles of the Earth via the most duplicitous, underhanded mind-control avenues available, and (2) that I like being liked enough to pretend I don't know this. It then follows that, since I don't say it, I must be either cowardly or collusive. The matter is always phrased as a manhood issue: either you stand up to the Jews, or you lack balls. (The fact that Jews have convinced the other 300 million of us that you either you stand up to the Arabs and the French or you lack balls is wholly immaterial. Who are you gonna believe anyway - Dennis Miller, or some angry white nobody on the freakin' Internet?) The Jews of course are a monolithic and conspiratorially buzzing hivemind who rub their mandibles and say "Heh-heh-heh" like flies lucking into a pile of fresh shit. (Now see, that last sentence is the kind that'll get a body in trouble; hence, printing out form-letter apologies in advance.)

Permit me a different interpretation.

Jews may be exotic in Peoria. (What a dumbfuck little nowhere burg: Peoria. Not at all like bustling, hectic Hazzard County, where I hail from, or exotic, flyblown Chocha Grande, the donkey-show capitol of the world where I currently reside. Who the hell would want to live in a Jew-free backwater like Peoria, after all?) In Washington, where I worked for years, they are as rare as civil-service niggers. I have known lots of Jews. I have dated them, gotten drunk with them, shared underage gook hookers with them, insider traded with them, informed on white supremacists to them. I liked most of them. (Like I said, them checks clear ever damn time.)

My favorite lunch buddy for a long time was a retired Harvard professor, Jewish, as decent a human being as I have ever met. You might think it odd that a hog-riding, Confeddit-flag-flyin' Waylon Jennings outlaw like me would make reservations ANYwhere for lunch, let alone with a yarmulked Harvard prof, but there you go. My favorite dance partner was a Jewish radical feminist (I know, I know, but I was tapping that ass). My dentist was Jewish. The biochemist I used to windsurf with on the Potomac was Jewish. Beth, the pediatrician I dated at NIH, was Jewish, and an absolute sweetheart. I learned the Texas two-step from a Jewish carpenter (no, another carpenter) who moonlighted as a dance instructor. Hey, you might also wonder why a shine-runnin' prefab-rebel Duke Boy like me didn't know fuck-all about the Texas two-step to begin with and had to learn the steps from a Shmuel, but I was too busy windsurfing with Ira after nibbling sushi with Dershowitz to pay too much attention to that "Southern" shit.

Familiarity - not fear, I swear to God it's not fear -is why I don't devote my life to obsessing about the maleficence of Jews. Simple familiarity is all; simple familiarity. Yes indeed, I'm VERY familiar with what happens to people who DO devote their lives to obsessing over the maleficence of Jews. Not for me, thanks. And what I am telling you - sorry, "y'all" - is that, because I casually know five Jews who were fairly cool as individuals, that everything 5000 years of recorded human history has taught mankind about The Tribe is just a bunch of hate-filled cowflop. Like my dance instructor likes to say, "Vhy fight? Let's dence!"

Are there Jews who do things politically I don't like? Yes. Are there Jews who do things politically I LIKE? Next question, please.

Is there an Israeli lobby? Yes. Yet I have never encountered the evil Jews of The Conspiracy. That's because I don't like to think too much about these things. I know I'm just an ex-journalist scribbling on the Internet from sunny Mexico these days, but shoot, even EX-journalists disappear down here.

'Fuck the Alamo.... remember Ambrose Bierce!" is all I'm saying here.

I note that Israeli treatment of the Palestinians is indistinguishable from American treatment of the Iraqis and I fake temporary hearing loss whenever someone asks why Americans are in Iraq at all. Virtue does not exactly flood the world's streets, anywhere. ('We are all sinners' boilerplate like that guarantees at least half my readership will nod sagely and forget which point it is that I'm specifically ducking.)

In particular, I do not rave against the Jews, because Jews as I have known them are not monolithic. Politically they have been all over the place, running the whole gamut from "Marxist" to "Trotskyite".

I don't see the Jews of the email. That Jews are tremendously influential in the media is a fact, easily verified on the Web. However, the leap from "Jews are powerful in the media" to "Jews are responsible for all social ills, the collapse of civilization, and everything I don't like" is a bit of a stretch. Those I know have no idea why John and Vince loathe them, incidentally. Being hit on the head by a piano imparts little understanding of pianos. Further, never do I encounter from the Farouks and Vinces the idea that any Jew, ever, might have done anything good, however inadvertently. But then, like I said before, anti-Semites are all crazy. Or dangerously foreign.

My experience is distinctly otherwise. Let me tell you a story. In the early Fifties, polio was a nightmare for parents. Lots of children clunked around in braces or sat forever in wheel chairs. In summer, the epidemic season, our mothers wouldn't let us go to public swimming pools because they were thought to be focuses of infection.

One day a fellow named Salk came out of a laboratory somewhere and said, "Hey, I've got this vaccine...." A bit later, some guys named King and Hoffman were heard shouting "NO HE DOESN'T" from a supply closet, but I guess you know who history remembers, eh?

Sabin came out of another laboratory, and said, "Hey, according to these notes I just - uhh, found - if we do thus and so and put it on sugar cubes, see, it will be oral...." You can't imagine how welcome that vaccine was. Parents grabbed their children by the hair and sprinted through doors, sometimes not bothering to open them, to get to the clinic. And, heck, a lot of em ended up special-ordering bite-size caskets a couple of years later, but so what? The main thing is JEWS ENDED POLIO FOR THE REST OF US. Even if they didn't.

Hint: Salk and Sabin were not Rastafarians. See, cause ol' Fred knows it's always safe to dump on niggers - nobody likes em and a good zinger at Remus' expense helps the reader forget he was asking you about Hymie a minute ago.

So many of the Jewish crimes popular on the email circuit don't stand up to examination. For instance, I hear repeatedly that during Vietnam America won in the field but that Jews stabbed Our Boys in the back by means of the anti-war movement, thus seeking to promote godless atheistic communism.

Not quite. The leadership of the anti-war movement was heavily Jewish. The movement itself was overwhelmingly Christian. And everybody knows the herd dictates to the leadership. That's how movements work, see? The rabble decides for the elite.

People didn't need help to weary of an endless, bloody, pointless war, in which their sons were dying, in a place they didn't care about and could barely find on a map. The anti-war movement wasn't a Jewish plot. It was a national revolt that BEGAN as a Jewish plot. Anyway, it provided enough covering fire to get the Civil Rights Voting Act in and the Immigration Act gutted clean without the Bellbottom Pants Christians catching on to what lay ahead.

Most of the things Jews are supposed to be doing, on examination, they aren't. They use their stranglehold on the information-flow to get YOU to do it for them. But, hey, technically they're innocent, right? I mean, yeah, sure, they're innocent in the way OJ is, but still, we're a nation of laws and those laws say HANDS OFF THE JEWS ever dang time. (Shucks, I get carried away and forget sometimes that I'm supposed to sound like a hick here. I'll remember to add lots of "shoot"s and "dang"s on the second draft, though.)

Is globalization a Jewish plot (as I'm told), or the inevitable and glorious One World of tomorrow, without war or famine or racism, and presided over by the wise and kind race that gave us Einstein and Salk?

Is destructive feminism a Jewish plot, or the result of the natural desire of young white gentile girls for higher pay, equal rights, nigger boyfriends and chlamydia?

Is the decline of education a Jewish plot, or the fault of lazy whites not sufficiently inspiring the spark of latent genius within sullen Raheem and deeply stupid Ricardo? If you believe the problem isn't the Jews, it's non-denominational "New York" and "Hollywood", then kick off your snakeskin boots, podner; draw up to the far and set a spell. Y'all are reading the right column.

That's why I don't gnaw at myself about Jews. The last thing this ol' boy needs is to piss them off, and besides, they're completely innocent of all charges.


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