A Dear John Letter and Me, Jesus and Sylvia at the Polls
by Bishop James Floyd
19 November 2004
Have you ever tried to write in a tsunami?
What a mess! America has been inundated by the largest tsunami in the
history of the world. Those of us who have seen it, or can see it, know its
incredible height, and its power to reach every city, hamlet, nock, and
cranny. The tsunami of this new century is the largest wave of invincible
ignorance ever to hit a nation.
Clean-up is truly an impossible mission. There ain't enough mops to mop
it up. The Holiday Inns ain't got enough towels to dry it up. This tsunami
of dumbness is here to stay; a legacy that, shame on us all, our children's
children will inherit.
So, as Lenin once asked, "What is to be done?"
I've been in a cave talking to God. You ain't got seven thousand who
have not kissed Baal or bent their knees, I told Him. After months in that
cave, I was not blown around by a great and strong wind, or shook by a
mighty earthquake, no, no, there was only that small voice calling me to be
your Master Prophet of the serio-comical. Make them laugh and they will
Stand-up John Ashcroft and hear the words of the Master Prophet:
You wanted to be King David. Your preacher daddy rushed to Washington to
anoint you King, when Bush appointed you Attorney General. But alas, there
was no olive oil. Even the lowliest, one-aisle, clad-board-church pastor
knows that you can't have a decent anointing without olive oil.
What yo silly, Pentecostal, daddy did next was the thing that ruined
you. After an exhaustive search of several stores, he ended-up buying a jug
of Crisco vegetable shortening, and with this greasy mess he anointed you.
God hates Crisco! God hates partially hydrogenated oils, mono and
diglycerides, and artificial flavoring! Your miserable tenure as A.G.
testifies to this true fact. Just look at what you have done.
You pervert you! You wrapped a rag around the exposed breast of that
great lady, The Spirit of Justice, and then you slipped around behind her,
and systematically sodomized her in secret and publicly for four long
Look at what you have done to me and me scribblings. I don't know what I
can write or preach, anymore. Perhaps, you could help me, John?
Osama and Jihadists, from around the world, have swore to revenge the
murder of the wheelchair bound, high-profile, Muslim cleric, Sheikh Ahmed
Yassin. Well, I know a wheelchair bound, high profile, war-mongering,
Khazar Jewo-con; a radical, fanatic who was and is still, extremely,
influential in promoting the invasion and occupation of Iraq, the
Palestinian Holocaust, and other crimes against world peace and humanity.
My question to you, Blessed John, is; can I call Charlie Krauthammer by
name, and is it, now, illegal to say that I had rather see them get him,
than another batch of innocent Americans?
A member of my congregation thinks that Paul Wolfowitz (another Jewo-
con) is the anti-Christ. I told them that the only way to know for sure was
if he gets shot in the head and resurrects himself. I did not tell them to
go off, half-cocked, and shoot Wolfie, but again, could this be construed
into a hate crime or the, even more, nebulous crime of 'intentional
Also, I want to ask you about my books. I have a sizable library, in my
home, and it contains the kind of books that I know you wouldn't like;
there's a sign over the door that says, "I read every thing I ain't
supposed to, twice!" Am I going to jail, John?
You deluded bastard, what a mess you are leaving. What a giant leap
backwards for mankind. You have deflowered every virtuous tenet of our once
great system of justice, high jacked God's name, and misused Christianity
for your own miscreant, profane purposes.
Will God boil you in oil for eternity? I do not know but if He does it
will, no doubt, be Crisco oil!
Voting the Bible
"A vote for Bush is a vote for Jesus," me said, and Sylvia cringed.
"A vote for Bush is a vote for the Second Coming," I said a bit louder.
"A vote for Bush is a vote for the Rapture," louder still.
And then I shouted, "A vote for Bush is a vote for Armageddon!"
Everything stopped, nobody moved, and it was oh so quiet. Brother Bubba
and Sister Bubba just looked at Sylvia, with pity in their eyes for her,
and then glared at me with total disdain. Siv and I took our ballots and
sat down, with pen in hand.
And I started again," Where are the names of our real leaders? Help me,
Sylvia, I can't find Perle, Wolfowitz, Feith, Libby, or Sharon."
"Remember Sylvia," I said, "keep America comical, re-elect!"
"Shut-up, Jim! I love you, but I will never, ever again, go with you to
vote," screamed the old lady. "These people do not understand a thing you
are saying," she said. And she was right; God help us all, she was right.
Alabama voted the Bible;
When the America-Judeo-Christian-Zionists say, "I vote the Bible," they
do not have the faintest clue what their statement signifies. And these are
the people who gave Bush another four years.
They did not vote for a man who would bring peace to Palestine. They
voted for a man they know will help crush the Palestinians. Save'um in the
womb; kill'um everywhere else.
Of course, they voted for Armageddon! They want Bush to kill Iran. They
want Bush to kill Syria. They are looking for Bush to help drag two million
Chinese across a dried-up Euphrates river, so they can bleed all over the
Holy Land, so all the so-called Jews, whom they claim to love, will be
slaughtered, save one hundred and forty four thousand and so on and on. You
know the story.
America must perish.
What you missed is that they want Bush to kill America. Bush may have a
very special place in the advancement of their Bible prophecy. Why?
Because, America has no place in their eschatology. So say the prophecy
novelists, such as Hal Lindsey, John Hagee, et al. Here is Lindsey, page
150, Late Great Planet Earth;
"It is clear that the U.S. cannot be the leader of the West in the
And in 'There's A New World Coming,' another novel by Hal, page 215;
"Many people have wondered what the U.S. will be doing . . . . We've
already seen that the U.S. is destined to lose its role as leader of
So, the sooner we become a bankrupt, impoverished, powerless,
uneducated, inferior, subservient, third-world nation, the better, and I
say unto you, Brother Bubba and Sister Bubba, if anybody can take us there
it is George W. Bush.
G.W. Bush, God's man for the hour? A man with a mandate from God? The
only man I know dumb enough to destroy America and take her off the world
Well, dear hearts, I was on-a-roll, as you can plainly see, so I went on
to town to harass as many people as possible.
"Ain't it awful," I told one brother, "them damn Muslims blew-up a
Christian whiskey store?" I heard it on Fox News.
I told some folks that I listened, Sunday, to Hog-Jaw Hagee preach on
the righteousness of George Bush. He told his followers that Bush was the
only one with the "courage to stand against homosexual marriage." He
preached the Bush ticket, not the Bush / Cheney ticket. So, how could I
vote for Bush without voting for Dick, Mary and her wife Heather?
"I just don't believe that Jesus would ever vote for Dick Cheney," I
Well, that's all for now. Soon I will write more about our 'suicidal
theology,' my appeal to the French government to bomb us, and other
Gift of the month --
This is a faith ministry depending upon your continuing support.
However, I'm not like some of these other insipid, cheap, purloiners of the
pulpit. When I send you a gift, in return for a donation, it is always
valuable and meaningful.
This month's religious gift is an eight by ten photo of Reverent Bill
O'Reilly. It has O'Reilly mounted on a white horse, a halo above his head,
watching a Wall Mart store, talking on the phone, and masturbating. I have
titled it 'Family Values,' and signed each print. It's just a little
something for those donating ten dollars or more.
BISHOP JAMES FLOYD