Two Eds Are Better Than One

by Edgar Steele

30 March 2004

Many locals here in North Idaho have been asking why I didn't file to run for Prosecuting Attorney (that's the same as District Attorney elsewhere) in the upcoming election. As it is, good ol' Phil (see Thousands wouldn't believe you, Phil, but don't worry - I do) is running unopposed. That's the way it often is here in Idaho. There just aren't enough Democrats living here to fill out all the ballot positions. That's because they all registered as Republicans years ago, but that's another story.

I could be disingenuous and explain how, if I ran and won, I would have to demand a recount. I could coyly point out that the deadline for running as an independent is still way off in the future and I would hate to peak too soon. I could suggestively remark that lots of other parties have yet to (and doubtless won't) designate their own candidates for the position. I could also note that I would not survive my first term, since I would feel compelled to root out the boundless official corruption here in Bonner County, which has proven hazardous for those who have attempted such in the past.

However, the real reason is that now it is official: I am running for President of the United States. You, loyal follower of this list, heard it first.

Correctomundo, Sparky. And I am affiliating with that grand old party known as "Write In." This is necessary in order for me to maintain my independence, you see. I will refuse all Federal matching funds. In fact, I will refuse all donations of any sort whatsoever from individuals and corporations.

I am refusing all contributions from myself, too, just to guarantee absolute independence. After all, I'm a lawyer. You know what they say about lawyers. It's all true. In fact, it's far worse than you have heard.

This will necessitate a somewhat spartan campaign, of course. But I expect to overcome the millions to be spent by my opponents with a brilliant performance at the upcoming debates. They do have to invite me, don't they? And, Oprah, I'm ready to come on your show and lay out my platform.

I fully expect my daily briefings by the State Department to start any day now. A detail of Secret Service agents to serve as my bodyguards soon should be arriving. Wonder if they will be bringing along a limo.

I have a friend who assures me he can hack into Diebold's mainframe, so a massive victory on election night is assured.

On my first day in office, I pledge to withdraw all our troops from wherever they may be, around the world. We'll need them when I declare war on Canada and Mexico. We're going to take back the Alamo, see. We'll have a prisoner exchange and trade all the Mexicans in America for Fred. And the official language in Canada will become Swahili, which will keep them too busy translating in search of thought crimes to be any real danger in the future. Ernst Zundel will be named the new Governor of Canada, just for good measure.

What's more, we will occupy the District of Columbia and place all criminals there under arrest. If resources permit, we might even go after some of the criminals who don't wear suits. All congressional and administrative jobs will be outsourced to Botswana.

All judges and bailiffs immediately will trade jobs.

Political prisoners throughout America will be released. Those convicted of victimless crimes will be put in charge of America's media outlets, with those they replace occupying their old jail cells. All murderers, rapists and child molesters will be shot. The space freed up will be converted into blimp hangars.

We will solve the Middle East problems forever by transforming Israel into a giant, self-illuminated glass parking lot.

We will eliminate the income tax and all property and sales taxes, replacing them with tariffs upon all goods of any sort, made anywhere except in America. When actual tax money runs out, the government will shut down until the next cycle.

All welfare recipients will receive pink slips.

We will stock all of America's coastal waters with alligators from the Florida swamps.

We will prosecute Wal-Mart and Halliburton and seek the death penalty.

Alan Greenspan will be placed in stocks (the real kind) on the sidewalk in front of the New York Stock Exchange, which will be converted to a real stock exchange, limited to the auction of cows and pigs.

Before the dollar declines any further, we will mandate its replacement with Monopoly money, the intrinsic value of which is much higher, simply due to its relative scarcity. All of America's foreign debts will be paid off with the dollars taken out of circulation.

The Federal Reserve Bank will, of course, be outlawed (when money is outlawed, only outlaws will have money).

Already, I've got some killer campaign slogans ready to go:

Better Ed than Dead
Not Just Another Eddie Two Shoes
Bring Our Troops Home - Ed, not Ahmed
Ed - Not a Mass Murderer
Ed's Checkbook is Balanced
Higher Ed, not Bush League
That was Zen, Ed is Tao
Ed is Wise, Bush Otherwise
Kerry Out Bush - Elect Ed
Bush: Chimp off the old Block
Dubya Trouble ya? Elect Ed
Dig Ed - Bury Bush
Got Ed?

I seriously am considering seeking a judicial order for the exhumation of J. Edgar Hoover to be my running mate just so our ticket could be the first palindrome in words: Edgar J/J Edgar. Besides, everybody knows that two Eds are better than one.

New America. An idea whose time has come.


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