by Arch Stanton.
Equal opportunity strikes again. Of course the real reason behind this legislation is to fill out the rapidly thinning ranks in anticipation for the buildup to attacking Iran. This legislation will put a whole new blush on the military. But it may not be a bad thing, we may even see a return to the “make love not war” days of the 60s. Imagine, it’s 1900 hours in the trenches where two “queens” are on guard duty at some god-forsaken outpost located close to enemy lines. Private Flair is using night vision to track enemy movements just beyond no man’s land. Without taking his eyes from the night vision scope Private Flair says, “God this is awful duty, my eyeliner runs constantly and I can’t remember the last time I had the chance to wear a dress.” Corporal Swish replies, “I know what you mean, the heat makes these pantyhose unbearably hot, it seems my panties are always in a twist, whoever said we’re gay was one sick fuck.” Both soldiers laugh at the joke. Private Flair speaks again. “You know the worst part is I haven’t been laid in over a week; the guys at the USO bath house just don’t want to put out like in the old days. Seems they’re worried about disease; I ask ’em ‘hey do you want to live forever?’ But it doesn’t make any difference, they just want to hold hands. I can’t get to third base with any of ‘em.” Corporal Swish replies, “Yeah and with the Army filling up with women, it’s getting harder and harder to find a date at all! Of course I won’t deny the advantages of having the girls around to style our hair or lend us perfume and makeup in tight situations. You know the best time I ever had in this man’s Army was when I served as a liaison to the IDF. Those sons-of-Jacob sure know how to treat a girl. I know how tough and heartless they look when they’re killing Palestinian women and children, but they really do have a more feminine side. They’re so soft and gentle in the hot tub. It seems that Jacob himself was quite the girly-boy. They say his mother dressed him until he finally left the house because Esau was going to romp on his ass. Seems Jacob and his mother tag-teamed Isaac by using their feminine guile to steal Esau’s birthright.” Suddenly Private Flair, his eyes still on the night scope, says excitedly, “Holy shit would you look at that!” The corporal asks worriedly, “What is it, are their troops moving? Does it look like an attack forming?” Handing the scope to the corporal the private says, “I wish! You should see that hunk loading ammo on the other side, their army is full of hotties! All that physical training sure pays off! Man o’ man, what I’d like to do with that cutie!” After examining the situation for a moment through the scope, the corporal picks up the radio handset and calls in, “Madame Six, Madame Six, this is Pretty-in-Pink.” The radio crackles back in the confines of the dark trench, “Madame Six, go ahead sweetheart.” “Madame Six, this is Pretty-in-Pink, the situation looks serious, we’re going to have to reconnoiter behind enemy lines, we’re going in.” The radio replies “Pretty-in-Pink, Madame Six, alright, but you girls be careful out there and make sure you’re home by 2200 hours; Six out.” The corporal looking over at Private Flair with a feline grin says, “There’s going to be a party tonight! Grab that bottle, Flair, we’re going over the top for this one, let’s move out!” They both laugh at the joke.
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Go ahead, grab a cold one and sit back for the show